The Broken and Fallen
by SoCherryDarling
Summary: When Meg wanders into Deans bar looking for work, the brothers presume she's just another drifter who won't stay long, but Cas sees her for what she is. On the run. He wants to help, but is he in danger of forgetting his own past in the process? (Megstiel , Mature content and language)
1. Chapter 1

_Want something to listen to while reading?_ (Farewell Singapore~ Can't Lie) find it on YouTube

* * *

**Chapter 1 "I'm Meg"**

* * *

He remembered how the door had been flung open, letting the weak afternoon light seep into the basement bar, cutting through the left over smoke haze of the night before and throwing up tiny motes of dust.

They had all looked up.

He'd stopped wiping down the bar, Sam had paused while pulling open the glass washer and Dean looked up from his paper work, frowning at the disturbance.

"We're closed. Come back at six." Dean barked, turning back to the invoices he was working on, as far as he was concerned that was the end of the matter.

"But you'll be busy at six, and then you won't get a chance to talk to me."

Her voice was smooth, an amused drawl ran through it, making Dean look up properly, the frown slipping from his face to be replaced with a slow smile.

"And why would we want to talk to you?"

The girl stepped up to the bar and smiled back at Dean. "Because I'm your new bar tender."

He raised an eyebrow and glanced at Cas and Sam, who were now stood watching the pair openly. "What makes you think I'm hiring?"

She shrugged lightly and looked up at him with her dark eyes. "Because I was in here last night and even though you weren't packed out busy, you still had to work the bar. Now that makes me wonder, why would the owner of a bar waste his time pulling beers and shots for customers. Besides, I'm a hard worker, I have good math skills and I'm prettier than either of those two."

She pointed them and Cas suddenly found wiping down the bar all consuming, while Sam pushed the rack of glasses into the washer with a final click.

"That's true. I'm Dean" He held out his hand and she took it.

"Meg."

"We do need another hand. How about you work a shift tonight. We'll see how you go."

"Sounds perfect."

She held out her hand and Dean shook it. "Be here at five."

They watched her walk away and as she shut the door Sam sighed loudly.

Dean glanced at him. "What!"

"Any chance you _won't _fuck her? "

He laughed. "I'm not promising anything."

"Yeah but, we hire these girls and you fuck them and then they leave and we're short staffed again. Just… Try and keep it in your pants bro."

Cas continued to run the cloth along the spotless bar.

He preferred to not get involved when the brothers started bickering. Far better to keep his head down and mouth shut.

The girl seemed different. Not the usual perky types who came into this bar looking for work.

There was a type, he'd realised early on, Usually early twenties, blonde, they tried to give off an air of being worldly, but often you found out they'd just got off the bus from some back woods town, dropped out of school, looking for independence, they wound up in the bar, and countless others like it, looking for some work that would pay the rent while they decided what they really wanted to do.

And then they would meet Dean.

Dean would smile and fuss over them and flirt shamelessly and by the end of the first night they would accept a ride home with him.

The rest was always the same.

The hurt confusion when they realised there wasn't going to be a second time with the boss and then the embarrassed retreat.

So far there had been twelve girls working the bar with them and none had lasted more than three nights.

Cas didn't think Dean really knew what he was doing, couldn't see that it was unfair to the girls. He just thought they were having a good time too.

Having sex for Dean, Cas thought, was like a friendly handshake, a matey hug, nothing more.

He'd watched Sam berate his brother until he was blue in the face, and now it was just a dance they did every time, neither actually thinking about the steps, just running through them automatically.

But this girl.

Maybe this one would be different.

* * *

Meg turned up at five, pulled on an apron over her jeans and shirt, rolled up her sleeves and set to work.

Cas had admit she was good.

She worked fast, didn't falter with an order, smiled and flirted with the customers, chatted with the old guys who hung out at the end of the bar during quiet periods, kept her area clean generally livened the place up.

He saw Dean watching her from time to time, watched him place a hand on the small of her back and bend to whisper in her ear, watched her smile in answer and carry on.

Sam saw all this as well and his face was one of resigned disgust.

"Do you think he even knows what a douche bag he is?" Muttered Sam as Dean stood to one side, checking out Megs ass.

Cas shrugged.

He didn't like to get drawn in.

It was one thing for Sam to run down his brother, quite another for Cas to.

As the night went on though, he found himself drawn to Meg. The easy way she chatted to people, made them feel like old friends. Always just the right side of flirty, enough to make someone feel good, but not enough to be considered a tease. He found himself smiling back when she grinned and tipped him a wink as she walked past him with a basket of dirty glasses.

Maybe she wasn't the same.

But she was.

She had a drink with Dean as they closed up, he smiled and offered her a ride home and, to Cas's disappointment, she said yes.

"Well." Said Sam as they left. "Won't be seeing her again."

"Guess not."

They were wrong though.

Next evening Meg strode in through the door, all smiles and chat and not so much as a single soulful glance at Dean.

Cas frowned at Sam, who just shrugged in return.

Dean on the other hand seemed quieter than usual. Every so often, Cas would see him watching Meg from a distance, as though trying to figure out something.

"I don't get it." Sam said as they closed up that night.

Dean had withdrawn to the office to count up the tills and Meg was over the other side of the bar, sweeping up and wiping down tables.

"I mean, she's not actively ignoring him right? …But it's like nothing happened?"

"Maybe nothing did." Suggested Cas.

"No. No, you see, if nothing had happened, Dean would be all over Meg right now, making sure it happened tonight! But … Nothing!"

"I think you're making too big a deal over this Sam."

"No man. This is like new territory. I've never seen him act like this."

"You could….. Talk to him?"

Sam laughed and slapped Cas on the shoulder.

"Talk to Dean. Yeah. Right."

* * *

Meg could hear them talking about her.

She swept under the tables with long easy strokes, not particularly bothered to be the object of such interest.

In fact she found it highly amusing.

Dean obviously had a reputation and it looked like she'd thrown a spanner in the works.

It was true.

He _had_ driven her home, she'd found his obvious overtures towards her entertaining, and what the hell, he's a good looking guy and she could do with winding down, so she invited him in.

Putting the stools up on the table she smiled to herself.

He wasn't that bad in bed, she'd sleep with him again if the timing was right, but he didn't exactly provide her with a sexual epiphany, it had been….. Nice.

And after he'd tried to sell her some bullshit about respecting her and she'd just flicked ash from the end of her cigarette and laughed, smoke puffing from her nose.

"Dean. It's fine, really."

"What?"

She'd lain her hand on his shoulder and smiled.

"It's just sex Dean. You don't have to pretend it meant anything."

His face had been a comedy of shock, and it was only then that she realised he was used to having to roll out this spiel to girls who thought that maybe they should start picking out wedding venues because they'd opened their legs for the boss.

He'd left in a hurry and had pretty much avoided her all night.

Never mind.

It suited her just fine.

Glancing up she saw that Sam was gone and Cas was stood watching her, a slight frown creasing his brow.

She smiled and he flushed, realising he'd been caught staring, and hurriedly scooped up the cloths he'd been sorting and left the bar.

Yes.

She thought she might have some fun here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 "Didn't you get the memo?"**

* * *

If he had to pinpoint a time when it all started to unravel, he would have chosen then.

Meg had been working the bar for three weeks and showed no sign of leaving.

To Sam and Cas's relief, Dean pulled himself together quickly, dusted off his pride and began to treat Meg like a human being rather than a conquest.

Although there was a quiet flirtation there at times, it seemed very much to Cas, as though it was purely friendship.

A swat to her ass as he passed Meg would earn Dean a dead arm for 10 minutes. Even Sam was warming to her in his own way.

Cas had found him talking animatedly to her about his plans to go back to collage, his desire to go into law and she was praising him, gently pushing him forwards like a little brother.

He liked that.

How she was becoming part of their little work family.

Sometimes Cas found being in the middle of Sam and Dean exhausting, so having Meg take some of the load was a god send so far as he was concerned.

"Cas!"

He nearly dropped the glasses he was stacking.

Meg grinned. "You were zoning out there little trooper. You ok?"

Cas nodded and tried a smile. "I'm fine. Thank you."

She tilted her head slightly and touched his shoulder. "How about you buy me a drink after work?"

* * *

Wednesday was always early closing at Dean's, but further in town there were still bars open at this time of night.

Meg had chosen a tiny place, hardly bigger than a generous living room, its floor sticky, the lighting bad, the smell of stale liquor and cigarettes had permeated everything.

"Nice place." Tried Cas, glancing round as they slid into a booth.

"It's a fucking dive." Meg said loud enough for the bartender to hear, but he just smiled and waved his hand at her. "But it's one of the few places where I can still smoke if I want to. Some times you wanna go where nobody knows your name, right? You don't mind do you?" She raised her eyebrows at Cas as she put the cigarette to her lips and he just shook his head and shrugged.

Taking a pull on his beer he steeled himself to actually talk.

He didn't like to talk much.

It took him a long time to get to know people and sometimes he still felt like he was always half a step behind the joke, if he got it at all.

"So. Why did you want me to take you for a drink?"

The corner of Megs mouth pulled up in amusement and Cas felt the tips of his ears burn in embarrassment.

"Straight to the point huh?"

"I'm sorry. That was forwards of me."

"No. not at all. Look, this _is_ bothering you…." She stubbed the cigarette out and waved her hand about to dispel the smoke. "Don't worry Cas. I've not brought you out here for anything sinister. I just felt we should talk. I mean, the boys at the bar are ok, you know? But they kind of dominate a conversation. I don't think I've heard you utter more than six sentences since I started. I just wanted to change that."

Cas smiled and looked down at the table. "That is true. They are rather forthcoming in their manner."

Meg chuckled and took a drink of her own beer. "They are that. So…. Tell me about yourself."

He froze.

Eyes darting up and then, just as quickly, back down to the table.

"Nothing to tell." His voice sounded too loud, too forced to his own ear. "I work at the bar, I go home, read, that's it."

"That's it?" She leaned over the table a little and narrowed her eyes at Cas before smiling broadly. "No pet's? Hobbies? Girl friend?" She winked slyly "Boy friend?"

"No. None."

"Tell me something Cas." Meg leaned back as though to look at him better. "You into boys or girls?"

"Pardon?"

"I'm just interested. Usually I can tell a mile off which way a person swings, but you…. No… I can't place you."

"I don't…."

"For example, I've seen you looking at Dean like you might want something a little more than what you have, oh, by the way…." She placed her hand to the side of her mouth in mock secretiveness. ".. If you _do_ like him, despite his wannabe playboy antics, he still has a closet to hide in. Practically camped in Narnia, but he's in it."

Cas's mouth dropped open and then he laughed.

"So…" She waited for his laughter to die down. "You dig guys?"

"No."

"Ah, girls then?"

"No."

Meg wrinkled her nose and grinned. "Cas. You're being deliberately awkward!"

He smiled and looked up at her properly, trying hard not to let his gaze slip away.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I don't fall in love with genders. I fall in love with people."

"Huh…. I like that." She nodded to herself. "That's a very healthy attitude to have."

"Well. Not everyone would see it that way." He whispered.

"You know." Meg reached forwards and poked Cas playfully on the arm. "You're probably the only guy in a twenty mile radius that hasn't hit on me. Kinda hurts a girls feelings."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

She waved a hand at him, as though swatting his apology away. " I like you Cas. You're straight talking, I was just curious about you, that's all."

"What about you." He said at last.

"What about me?"

"What do you do away from work?"

Meg laughed softly. "Didn't you get the memo? I'm the town skank. My hobbies include getting very drunk and having a lot of sex."

Cas lowered his eyes again.

"I've embarrassed you." Meg sighed. "Don't be. Some people play video games, some people go to the movies, some people collect stamps. When I want to escape for a while I … escape. Same song, different tune."

"But why?"

Meg blinked, and for the first time Cas saw her smile falter a little.

"Why? For fun. Why else."

He should have kept quiet, should have taken that as his cue to change the subject, but the subtle nuances of social behaviour had never been his strong point, even before he'd moved here.

"It's just…. You don't make it sound like it's much fun. Being drunk and sleeping with lots of men. That sounds more like you're blocking something out, trying to forget."

She glared at him and he knew he'd gone too far, but his mouth didn't seem to get the message..

"I mean, does having a morally questionable life make you happy?"

Her eye's widened in disbelief.

"Are you kidding me? What are you? My fucking therapist?"

"I didn't mean to…"

"No. Forget it."

Meg grabbed her coat and slid out of the booth, leaving Cas struggling to follow her.

"Meg, I'm sorry…"

"Look. _I'm sorry _if I'm not pure enough to be in your company. I guess I was wrong about you. I'll grab a cab. See you at work."

She stalked out of the door leaving Cas stood awkwardly in the middle of the bar.

"Smooth buddy." Chuckled the bartender.

* * *

The arrogance of him!

Meg strode down the street looking for a cab to hail.

How dare he!

How dare he fucking question her lifestyle!

He didn't know a goddamn thing about her.

_Maybe that's the problem._

She slowed down, took time to pull her coat on properly.

_You don't tell anyone anything and then ….Well…. This happens._

Meg gritted her teeth.

Well too bad.

She'd tried to be nice.

Wasn't a goddamn thing she owed anyone.

_Yeah keep telling yourself that._

* * *

Check the youtube page (linked on my profile) for the music for this chapter x (Primal Scream ~ Country girl)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 "Bitch_ bit_ me!"**

* * *

Meg didn't go out of her way to smile at Cas anymore.

He could have accepted this, it wasn't the first time he'd messed up a friendship after all, but her behaviour in general disturbed him.

More often now, she was accepting drinks from patrons, getting drunk while working and then leaving with yet another guy at the end of her shift.

"Should we be concerned about this?" Sam questioned Dean one night, after watching her leave, her arm slung over some random guys shoulder, his hand grabbing at her ass.

Dean shrugged.

"It's not affecting her work, I guess we all need to let loose once in a while."

Cas wasn't so sure though.

It seemed to him that the more she drank, the more guys she slept with, the darker her eyes got, until they were almost lifeless, a cruel parody of the shining orbs they'd been when she'd graced him with smiles.

Often, when she thought no one was watching, her smile would slide, leaving her face blank, emotionless, as though all the feelings she worked so hard to hide were now fighting and clawing their way out and all she could do is put up a wall in the hope of quelling them..

He found her once, stood in the bathroom, her face ashy white, tears streaming down her cheeks, but silent.

Her lip didn't quiver, her breath didn't hitch, she simple gripped hold of the edge of the sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

Cas had slipped away, uncertain of what he could do.

He wanted to say something, ask her what was wrong, ask if he could help, apologise for being rude to her, hurting her feelings.

What surprised him most was he wanted to hold her, wanted to wrap his arms around her and pull her close to his chest, like he might be able to absorb all her hurt and make her smile again.

But he didn't dare.

Could hardly even look at her, let alone touch her.

* * *

"Man, she is wasted."

Sam was pulling on his coat as he said this.

Dean had already left and Sam was on his way out the door, leaving Cas to lock up.

"Maybe you should offer her a ride home." Suggested Cas, worried for her.

"Nah, look, she's hooked up with that guy. OK, gotta go, see you tomorrow Cas."

Sam skirted around Meg and headed out the door.

She stumbled against the guy, older that she usually went for, a greasy cap pulled down low over his brow, he put his hand on her in a way that made Cas bristle, but she leaned against him anyway and they left.

* * *

Ten minutes later Cas punched in the alarm code, locked the door behind him and trotted up the steps to the street above.

A light dusting of snow had fallen over the evening, but far from looking magical, the streetlights just made the streets look grubby, sick.

A harsh bark of laughter caught his attention.

Across the street was the car park patrons used. There shouldn't have been anyone there now, Cas had to lock the gate to stop people parking there over night.

With a sigh he set off, not looking forwards to having to ask someone to leave.

As he drew nearer he realised that there were three people stood around the last car.

No.

Two standing, one on their knees.

He frowned, slowing his pace, wanting to judge the situation before they noticed him.

It was then that he realised the third person, the one kneeling, was Meg.

He froze to the spot, not sure what to do.

He didn't want to intrude, didn't want her to hate him more than she already did because he might break up her party.

Cas nearly turned away, nearly left.

"Goddamnit!"

The guy with his back to Cas suddenly jumped back, doubling over.

"Bitch _bit _me!"

Cas could see Meg properly now, saw how ill she looked, noticed she had one hand on the car and the other on the snowy ground, just to stop herself from falling over.

The man she'd bit, drew his hand back and hit her hard, sending her toppling over.

Her eye's met his at that moment, all the dullness was gone from them, they blazed with impotent anger, but instead of fighting back, she just lay still, blood pouring from her nose.

"Hey!" Cas sprinted across the car park to be met by the other man, not the one she'd left with, this guy was younger, thin as a rake.

"This ain't nothing' to do with you buddy…. Back off."

But Cas hardly heard him.

Rage swelled in his chest at the sight of Meg.

She looked so small with the guy towering over her, her bone white hand lifted, catching the blood from her nose shakily, as though she wanted to keep it.

"I said, back….." But his words were lost as Cas's fist connected with his gut, forcing the breath from his lungs, and as he bent at the waist he was met by another blow, undercut, catching him in the jaw and flooring him.

With a roar, the guy with his pants still undone charged Cas, looking to tackle him, knock him off his feet, but instead he was met with a punch, fuelled by years of pent up anger.

* * *

She tried hard to focus.

The world seemed to pulsate, it was like her head had been sat on a merry go round for days and days and days and…..

Nausea rose up in her throat.

The thick copper of blood in her mouth.

Bastards.

Bastards.

And Cas.

He fought hard for a lean guy.

Pulling herself to her hands and knees she saw him sat astride the grease ball, pummelling his face into the concrete.

"Cas." She coughed, blood splattering the snow. "Cas. Stop….. Cas."

But he was already at her side, helping her up.

Meg was dimly aware that the two guys were leaving, shouting about bringing their buddies back and wondering why Cas was so worked up about some whore.

She felt his grip around her waist tighten and for a moment she thought he might let go of her, pursue them again, so she gripped at his jacket frantically, frightened of falling.

Oh God…. Her head.

"I'm gonna puke….."

His hands were already holding her, pulling her hair away from her face as she threw up into the hedges, vomit and blood.

"Easy, easy. I got ya…"

Cas was soothing her, like he'd flipped some switch in his head from bad ass street fighter to compassionate saviour.

"I'm not drunk…" She coughed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand shakily. "Not this bad. Fuckers…. They roofied me…."

Her legs went and Cas had to grip her hard to stop her falling forwards.

"I should take you to a hospital, call the police…"

"No!" She almost screamed it, then took a deep breath. "Please. Cas. I just wanna go home. Take me home."

He hesitated, but only for a split second, and then he was bundling her into his car and pulling out onto the street.

* * *

He managed, finally to get her to tell him, coherently, where she lived, and somehow managed to help her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

As he fumbled with her keys, propping her against the wall with his hip, the door across the hall opened a crack and the pursed lipped face of a sallow faced old woman peered out.

"She's _disease_." She spat, making the sign of the cross before slamming the door.

_Nice._

"Ok, come on. Ups a daisy….." He half carried, half dragged meg through the door, kicking it shut with his foot and searching for a light switch.

When he finally found it the lit apartment made him stop in his tracks.

Apart from a bed and a ratty looking arm chair, there was nothing in it.

No shelves, no cupboards, no TV, nothing.

It was like no one lived there.

Meg began to drag heavy in his arms, so he walked through into the main room and carefully lifted her onto the bed.

"Meg? Hey, Meg. Do you want to clean up?"

She shook her head and rolled over heavily.

He paused, then bent down and took her shoes off.

"You should change your top. There's blood all over it."

She didn't answer, so he looked around the room and saw an open suitcase. There was no wardrobe or drawers, so he took a shirt from the case and went back to the bed, sitting next to her and pulling her up to a semi sitting position.

"Meg. You're going to have to help me." He tugged at the back of her shirt and managed to drag it over her head. Taking the shirt over to the sink on the other side of the room, he dampened a clean corner of it and brought it back.

Gently he wiped at the blood that had crusted around her nose and mouth.

She sighed, her eyes far off and glassy.

"I wish you'd let me take you to hospital."

Meg swatted at his hand, gripping his wrist. "No. I just….. Need to sleep."

She started to slide down the bed but he pulled her forwards again.

"Raise your arms."

Meg managed to lift them about six inches, and Cas struggled the clean shirt on to her, then let her lay down again.

For a moment he stood watching her, then he carefully worked the covers from under her and tucked her in.

He couldn't just leave her .

Not if she really had been slipped Rohypnol.

Cas pulled the armchair over to the side of the bed and sat.

He'd watch her tonight, make sure she was ok.

He owed her that much.

* * *

Music for this chapter up on the youtube page (link on profile) x


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 "Why did you stay?"**

* * *

Nausea pulled her from sleep, squirming in her gut like an angry snake.

With a groan she rolled over, only to find Cas sleeping in the chair, next to her bed.

Tiny fragments of what had happened filtered back.

The way she'd felt anger vibrating through him when that bastard had called her a whore, his hands holding her, carrying her home.

She glanced down at herself, frowning at the shirt she was wearing.

Bile rose abruptly in her throat and, clasping her hand to her mouth, she half fell out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

"Hey. It's ok…. Try and breath…"

He was there again, holding her steady as she heaved and coughed into the toilet.

His free hand was massaging her back, his voice soothing her.

"Pass me that hair band." She mumbled, pointing at the counter.

He pressed it to her hand and she clumsily pulled her hair back out the way, praying she hadn't got anything nasty in there earlier.

"Here." Cas handed her a wash cloth, helped her sit up on the side of the cracked, unusable tub.

By the time she'd ran the cloth over her hot face, he was standing in front of her again, a glass of water held out in offering.

"You changed my shirt?"

Meg sipped a little at the water, wincing at the pain of swallowing, like drinking tiny glass flecks.

He nodded.

"I had to, it was dirty."

She tried to smile, but wasn't sure if it came out as a grimace. "Did I wear a bra today?"

Cas looked off to the side. "I didn't notice."

"A girl could be offended that you didn't."

She chuckled as the colour rose in his face, then doubled over as another spasm tore through her stomach.

"Bed.." She managed through gritted teeth and God she was glad he was there, a solid presence to prop her up, help her.

Cas got her to the bed and she hitched her knees up to her chest, moaning quietly in pain.

She'd been here before.

No fun alone.

As her stomach settled and her breathing steadied, she turned to Cas, sat nervously in the chair by her side, she reached out for his hand and squeezed it.

"Why did you stay?"

He frowned.

First down at her hand in his and then to her face. "Why on earth would I leave?"

"Because…." She closed her eyes, sleep pulling at her again. "Because that's whats meant to happen."

* * *

He watched her sleep.

Meg's breathing was slow and steady, like real sleep now, not the erratic, shallow breathing from before. She'd scared him with the pale waxy pallor of her skin, a sheen of sweat had sat on her bow and several times he'd had to take a cloth and wipe her face.

It was only later that he'd finally succumbed to sleep, the adrenalin kick that had carried him through finally crashing, he'd curled up in the chair, as close to the bed as possible so he'd hear her if she needed him.

And now he sat perched on the edge, her hand curled up in his, her lips parted, face relaxed and he realised something amazing.

He was exactly where he wanted to be.

* * *

"I wasn't sure if you wanted coffee. You didn't seem to have any in the kitchen, so I ran down to Starbucks and got some." He held the cardboard cups up like a trophy and she grinned at him sleepily.

"You read my mind. Oh God…" Meg clutched her head as she gingerly sat up.

"Are you OK?"

She rolled her eyes at him, ignoring the shooting pains behind them and held out her hands for the coffee.

"No. But I'll live."

She sipped at the coffee, then noticed Cas was still standing awkwardly by the bed.

"You gonna sit?"

He sat back in the chair and then stood up again quickly. "Should I move this back now? Away from the bed?"

Meg laughed. "No. It's fine where it is. Will you relax!"

They drank in silence for a few minutes, the only sound coming from other apartments, the low hum of traffic outside.

"How long have you lived here." Cas said at last.

She shrugged. "About four months, give or take."

"You don't have much stuff."

"Don't need much."

He was working up to something, she could tell. His eyes darted here and there betraying his thoughts.

"Meg. I want to ask you something. Something personal. May I?"

_Here it comes._

"Sure."

He fiddled with the cap on the coffee cup, frowning at his hands.

"Who are you running from?"

Meg watched him silently for a second, her eye's narrowed. "What makes you think I'm running from anyone?"

He was still looking at his hands, still turning the coffee cup cap round and round on the rim. She had an overwhelming urge to slap it out of his fingers.

"Because I know the look. I know what you're feeling."

Meg looked away. She couldn't handle this now. Not with her head splitting like this.

"I just want to help…."

"Well you can't. No one can."

"Meg.."

"No Cas! You don't understand…. I can't…." Tears began to prick at the back of her eyes.

One part of her desperately wanted to tell him, the other… the other was terrified to.

He leaned across the bed and took her coffee from her before grabbing her hand in his, tightly. The movement took her by surprise and she gasped, looking up from her hand and into Cas's eye's, no longer downcast, he stared at her, his mouth set, his brow creased and she just knew, he wouldn't be taking no for an answer.

"What do you want from me." She spat. "You want to fuck me? You want your reward for rescuing the damsel in distress? Well fine. I can do that. You might wanna let me shower first, but hell, you _deserve_ it."

"Jesus Meg!" He flung her hand away and stood up angrily, running his hands through his hair. "I'm trying to be your friend!"

"I don't _have _friends Cas! I don't…. I can't…" And then the tears finally came.

All the emotion she'd kept under check for months, it just hit her like a wave and pulled her under until all she could do was bury her face in her hands and wail.

His arms wrapped around her, pulled her close until she was turned to him, weeping into his chest, her own hands reaching out, grasping at his back pulling herself as close to him as she could.

"You have me Meg." He whispered almost violently into her ear. "You have me."

* * *

"A few years ago I was seeing this guy, Lucy. He was a lot older then me, I guess you could say I was working through my Daddy issues, you know?"

Cas was sat up on the bed with her, both of them with their backs to the headboard, legs stretched out. He had one arm hooked over her shoulder, her head was rested on his.

"He got me into all sort of stuff. Drugs mostly, but he dabble in anything that would make him a little money."

"You worked for him?"

"Yeah, but I didn't know it at the time." She sighed a little and he tightened his arm around her. "I thought I was in love, but I was just one of many as it turned out."

He closed his eye's, listening to her voice, feeling the warmth of her pressed close against him. It had been a long time since he'd been this close to another person and he wanted to absorbed every second of it.

"There was a deal that went wrong. Should have been simple, a shipment came in via a guy called Crowley, but he sold Lucy out. Took money, took the drugs, shot Lucy, tried to shoot me. But you know what? I'm a fast runner."

He looked down at Meg and saw her grin slightly.

"You ran?"

"You bet your ass I did. I ran like hell, didn't even go home, just got on the first bus with the cash in my pocket and disappeared."

"When was this?"

"Three years ago maybe? I've had to run about six times since. He has contacts, keeps finding me."

"Hence living out your suitcase?"

"Bingo."

Meg pulled away a little from him. "He'll kill me if he finds me, and anyone else I'm with."

"Can't you go to the police?"

Her laugh made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. A little unhinged, a little hopeless, it hitched near the end and he thought she might cry again.

"Cas. Don't you get it? He IS the police."

* * *

"Thanks. For everything."

He was pulling on his coat. Not wanting to leave but it seemed that now Meg had talked to him, well, it seemed like she needed some time alone.

"No need to thank me. Are you sure I can't run you to the hospital?"

"Nah. I think I threw it all up don't you?"

She stood on tip toe and kissed him quickly on the cheek.

Cas smiled, squeezed her hands in his and made his way to the door.

"Cas! Could you maybe not mention this to anyone else. Not just the big stuff, but what happened last night?"

He nodded seriously. "Of course."

She smiled in thanks and pushed the door closed behind him.

For a moment he stood facing the door, the ghost of her kiss still lingering on his cheek. He found his fingers reaching up to touch the spot where her lips had touched him, then let his hand drop.

_Friends._

_She needs a friend, nothing more._

* * *

**Authors Note ~** Anybody out there? Wondering if I should continue with this here or not... PM or comment here if you want me to continue x

* * *

Listening, as usual, follow the link to youtube on my profile x


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - "Do you want to know what I think?"**

* * *

"You guys love me right?"

Meg slapped four tickets on the bar.

Dean picked up one and squinted at it. "Blondie?"

"_Dirty Blonde _actually, cover group. I know a guy who knows a guy who got me tickets. So you're all coming with me."

Sam frowned down at the tickets. "I don't know Meg. I have school the day after…."

Cas watched as Meg rolled her eyes theatrically.

"Come on! It'll be fun. Hey… First drink on me?"

"Ah why the hell not." Dean grinned. "Been too long since I got away from this hole, we could do with some fun, right Sammy?"

As Sam continued with half protestations, Cas slipped away.

He was glad that Meg seemed happier. Certainly she'd calmed down. No more drinking on the job, no more random guys. It was like she'd found a little peace in her confession.

He couldn't help but feel though, she'd distanced herself from him a little.

Not like before, when she had blanked him after he'd run his mouth off at the bar.

No. It was as though she had withdrawn, the intimateness they'd shared a few weeks ago seemed to have been left behind and she'd shown no sign of wanting a repeat session.

When she talked to him it was in the same friendly manner she chatted to patrons.

He tried to be pleased, to feel like he'd done a good thing.

But underneath he was a little hurt.

"Cas?" She was stood behind him, watching him from the doorway. "You're coming too, right?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't go out much. I'm sure you'll have more fun with Sam and Dean."

Meg chuckled. "Those two? They're sweet Cas, but it won't be fun if I'm thinking about you being home alone."

She pressed the ticket into his hand and smiled.

* * *

"Told you they were good."

Meg smiled across the table at them and Dean nodded.

"Not bad, not bad at all, look… even Sammy's having fun."

"Jesus Christ can you stop calling me that? I'm not six anymore Dean."

"Always will be to me buddy." Laughed Dean, ruffling Sam's hair, no mean feat as he towered over his big brother.

Cas found himself smiling quietly to himself.

A couple of beers had relaxed him a little and he sank into the seat and watched the evening unfold around him.

The club was small enough to be intimate, but large enough that no one was crushed or unable to see the stage.

Dirty Blonde really where good. They'd run through _Sunday girl, Heart of Glass, Denies _and he was pleased to find he knew them all. A lot of music had passed him by over the years, even classic stuff, so the familiarity of this was comforting.

"Oh God! I love this one!" Meg grabbed hold of Cas's hand and pulled him to his feet. "Come on! You're dancing with me…"

His eye's widened in surprise and he tried to slow her down.

"I don't dance!…. Meg…"

But there they were, pushing their way through the crowd to get near the front of the stage.

Dirty Blonde were thrashing out _Hanging on the telephone_, and Meg had both his hands in hers, dancing round him as he shuffled awkwardly.

"Come on!" She laughed, and her smile… He'd never seen her smile so easy, so open, and he realised he'd never seen this, never seen her look happy.

Cas found himself smiling back and he saw, in her eye's, the same slightly surprised look he must have given her.

Meg threw her head back, let go of one of his hands and ducked under the other, spinning one way, then the other, before coming back to hold both hands again.

And now he was dancing, no longer self conscious, and somehow they were closer now and it seemed natural for his hands to move to her hips.

She looked up at him, still moving, still warm and solid under his hands, a half smile playing across her lips, then she closed her eyes, let her head fall forwards, her arms raised slightly in the air, and it was like he was holding her steady, stopping her from floating away, he dug his fingers into the softness that covered her hips and moved with her, watching the sinuous way she moved her hands, the way her hair moved about her face.

As the final notes played she stopped, glanced up at him and he could have swore he saw colour rising in her cheeks.

With a small smile she turned towards the stage and clapped her appreciation along with the other dancers, before facing him again.

"I could use a drink, what will you have Cas, my treat."

His hands, he realised, were still half hanging in the air, and he let them fall to his sides.

When he didn't immediately reply she said "Same as before?" And then pushed back through the crowd towards the bar, leaving him stood alone.

* * *

What the hell was she doing?

Meg lent against the bar, pulled out her wallet and was surprised to see her hands shaking slightly.

It was like she was playing some sick game with herself.

Only it wouldn't be just her who got hurt.

When he smiled…

God.

She didn't think she'd ever seen him smile, not properly, he always looked so serious, like he carried the world around with him.

It was meant to be a bit of fun, dancing to some stupid '80's music with a friend.

But he'd smiled, and put his hands on her, such a simple touch, but her stomach had flipped and ….

Fuck.

Now it was all screwed up.

"Hey."

Sam slid onto a stool next to her and held his finger up to the barman.

"You were right. Band's pretty good."

"Yeah."

She could see him watching her out the corner of her eye, one eyebrow slightly raised.

He cleared his throat.

"So. Are you and Cas…."

"What."

"…..You guys have a thing?"

"No."

"Only it sure looked like it….."

"I said no."

She twisted to face him.

"Look kid. Cas and I are friends ok. Friends can hang out and they can share a dance at a club"

"Friends don't tend to look like they'd rather be fucking than dancing."

She glared at him and Sam met her gaze with a ferocity of his own.

"What's your point?"

"My point?…. Meg, Cas is my friend. I don't want to see him get hurt. You think I haven't seen the way he looks at you? He's crazy about you and you're…."

"A whore?"

She watched the anger slide from his face. "I wasn't going to say that." He said quietly.

"Maybe. But it's what you think, right?"

Sam looked down at his hands. "I'm just looking out for him, that's all."

"Well good for you Sam. You might wanna remember though that you don't have the monopoly on friendship here."

Throwing her money on the bar, Meg snatched up the beers and hopped down from the stool.

"I'll see you later Sammy."

* * *

"Hey. Cas. Got a minute?"

He was just coming out of the bathroom when Deans hand fell down on his shoulder.

"Sure?"

Dean took him to one side, away from the noise of the club.

"Look. Is there something happening between you and Meg?"

Cas frowned. "What do you mean?"

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed.

"You guys fucking?"

"What! No! Why would you think that?"

He watched confusion pass over Deans face and to his horror, he felt his own face start to flush at he thought of Meg, of him and Meg.

"Look. All I'm saying is, she's nice…. She really is, but…. Watch out for yourself."

"I don't understand."

"Cas, please don't pretend you have no idea what I'm saying."

He didn't like to say he really didn't, so instead he kept quiet.

"Buddy, she'll eat you up! I mean, damn, when we hooked up that one time…"

"I don't think I'm comfortable with where this conversation is going." Mumbled Cas.

"Yeah. Sorry." Dean ran his hand down his face and frowned. "Just. Play safe ok? …and don't get hurt. She's not like the girls you knew."

Cas looked Dean in the eye and saw that he was looking at him with a mixture of concern and pity.

He hated Dean a little for bringing that up.

For reminding him.

Dean pressed his lips together, a parody of a smile, and slapped Cas on the shoulder. "Me and Sammy are gonna go. You need a ride?"

He shook his head, no.

"Ok. Well, we'll see you tomorrow then."

Cas watched him leave, unsure of what to do next.

At a loss, he made his way back towards the table where they had been sat and saw Meg sat there, alone.

She looked misteable.

Something swelled in his chest at the sight of her and before he knew what he was doing he was stood before her, hand held out.

"Dance with me?"

She looked up him and a ghost of a tired smile began to move across her lips.

"You want to dance with _me_?"

"Yes."

"It's a slow song."

"I know."

She nodded. "I just bet you do."

Meg let him take her hand and Cas led her through the dancers.

He stopped and turned, pulling her gently towards him.

Cas watched her carefully as he wrapped his arms around her waist, as her hands moved up his body to twine behind his neck, she lifted her head to look into his face.

She wasn't smiling anymore.

Her eye's were bright, her pupils wide and dark and under his gaze she chewed at her lower lip.

She leaned forwards and whispered in his ear. "Your friends are worried about you."

He nodded. "I know."

"They think we shouldn't spend time together."

"What do _you_ think we should do?"

She faltered, cast her eyes down and furrowed her brow.

He thought he saw tears balancing on the edge of her lashes and with a tiny moan she half pushed him away.

"I'm no good for you." She half laughed, her lower lip trembling.

Cas pulled her back to him.

"Do you want to know what I think?" He said, taking her chin in his hand.

"Yeah."

He lent into her and kissed her, softly at first, until he felt her surprised lips begin to move against his and suddenly, there was no one else in the world but them.

* * *

Music as usual on youtube _link on profile x


	6. Chapter 6

_Music for this chapter linked on profile direct to my tumblr as youtube didn't have it in my country ... Please be aware my tumblr is NSFW in general and intended for a mature audience only x._

* * *

**A/N** Ok kids... This chapter has** The Sex**. If you have been ignoring the M rating up till now or do not like to read about **The Sex**, then click off the link and go read something else.

**The Sex** is consensual and straight forwards but is still very much of an adult nature.

Also, the author would like to take this oppotunity to promote safe sex.

The characters in this story are practicing safe sex but for the sake of the story, there is no fumbling condom moment, rest assure there is one there.. somewhere...

play safe kids. 

* * *

**Chapter 6 "Doesn't mean a Goddamn thing."**

* * *

Did their lips part for a moment?

It seemed to him that they didn't, not for a second.

Not in the cab back to his, nor as they climbed the stairs, even as he fumbled with his keys to let them into his apartment.

There was this insistent, overwhelming urge to stay connected physically, lips working together, tongues darting, teeth nipping and hands, grabbing, touching, stroking…..

As he slammed the door shut behind them, Meg grasped at the lapels of his coat and pulled it off him while his shaking fingers struggled with the buttons on hers.

"Here." She whispered into his mouth, pulling away slightly to undo them herself.

But he couldn't let her go, even for that short a time, he pressed his lips to her neck and felt her shudder under his touch.

Her coat discarded, she raised her head to kiss him, flung her arms around his neck and he clumsily grabbed the back of her thighs, lifting her up and pressing her hard against the wall, knocking the breath from them both.

Meg drew her knees up, gripping him around his waist with her legs, she took a fistful of his hair in each hand and pulled him harder against her.

"Do you have… Any idea… How long…. I wanted to do this for?" Cas panted between kisses.

She grinned. "I'm getting the idea it might have been a while."

He chuckled and pushed them away from the wall, walked gracelessly over to the sofa and tumbled them both onto it making Meg squeal with laughter.

The frantic pace they'd kept up since leaving the club slowed a little, the kisses becoming more languid, slow and deep like breathing.

Meg worked her hands under his shirt, running her fingers across the bare skin of his back.

Cas froze and stopped.

"What?" She snatched her hand away and frowned at him. "What's wrong?"

He heard the note of panic in her voice and squeezed his eyes shut for a second, taking a deep breath.

"I need to tell you something."

Meg half smiled nervously. "Is this the part where you tell me that actually, now you think about it, you really _are _into boys?"

Cas laughed a little then sat up, running his hands through his hair nervously.

He felt Megs warm hand on his shoulder as she sat up as well.

"Tell me Cas. Please."

"I haven't been with many women before." He glanced sideways at her.

"Oh?"

"As in….. I've only been with one woman, one person…. A long time ago."

There was an awkward silence that seemed to suck the heat from the room. The easy instinctive craving he'd felt earlier, faded and all he was left with was self doubt.

"You know what this means, right?" Meg said, standing up and moving away from the sofa.

Cas swallowed hard and shook his head.

He wanted so badly to take back what he'd just said, better to have crossed his fingers and hoped for the best.

But Meg wasn't leaving, she was smiling, slowly unbuttoning her shirt.

"Doesn't mean a Goddamn thing."

* * *

Meg kept her eyes locked on Cas's.

Watched them widen as she slipped her shirt off.

"You know what the fun thing about sex is Cas?"

She pushed her jeans down her legs and kicked them out the way.

"The fun thing is, that it doesn't matter if you've slept with one person or a hundred."

She slid her bra straps off her shoulders and deftly undid the clasp, tossing it across the room, smiling at Cas, who sat, open mouthed, his face a mixed mask of terror and need.

"Every time you sleep with someone new, you get to start over."

Meg walked back over to the sofa and sat herself on Cas's lap, facing him.

She could feel him shaking under her.

"Everyone's so different."

Gentle kisses to his trembling mouth.

"Everyone's _desires_ are so different."

Meg took his quivering hands in hers and placed them firmly on her sides, then took his face in her palms, gently kissing him.

"….And one day you hope that you'll find someone who fits."

She rolled her body into him slightly as she felt him cautiously run his hands up her waist.

"Someone who gets it."

Her own fingers were clumsy as they undid his shirt, and she frowned at their disobedience, chuckled softly under her breath.

Cas leaned forwards so she could slip his shirt off, neither of them broke the gaze, like it was some vital connection, something that kept them from doubting they were doing the right thing. How easy it would be to stop, to mumble apologise and leave.

She felt his sharp intake of breath as she started to undo his belt.

"It's ok." She whispered, pressing her mouth to his.

He lifted his hips slightly and together they discarded his jeans.

Meg pressed herself against his skin and he moaned into the kiss, his arms wrapping around her, crushing her to his chest.

"You know what we're gonna do?"

He shook his head, pushed his hands into her hair and bit her neck gently, making her shudder.

"We're gonna do whatever the hell we want."

She moved her hips lazily back and forth in his lap, felt him tense and hold her tighter.

"We're gonna do what feels good…"

Meg slowly, deliberately, pushed herself onto him, watched his eye's widen in surprise, bit on her lower lip and moaned through her smile as his mouth fell open to gasp at finding himself inside her.

"…. and then we're gonna do it all over again."

She sat still for a moment, let him relax, kissed him so, so slowly, breathing him in.

He swallowed hard, and then his hands gripped her waist and he was kissing her back deeper as, slowly at first, she moved her hips lazily, rocking back and forth and every time they met she heard him gasp and god, if that wasn't hot.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been so intensely turned on.

How numb had she been before?

No one else mattered, no one else came even close to the tension that hummed between them, like the very atoms of their bodies were desperately trying to fuse together, to make them one person.

* * *

He concentrated on her face.

The slightly sardonic smile she usually wore was gone.

When she wasn't kissing him she was chewing on her lower lip, or her mouth would quiver as a gasp or moan escaped.

She'd never looked more beautiful.

He'd thought she would leave, was almost sure of it, and when she hadn't, when she's stayed…...

Cas took one hand off her waist and grabbed hold of a fistful of her hair, pulling her head back slightly so he could press his mouth to her neck.

He heard her gasp as she dug her fingers into his shoulders, felt her skin shudder under his lips.

How could it be that she was here, with him.

She was like a force of nature and he was just…. There.

No one.

He was no one.

Invisible.

And yet here she was.

Her flesh pressed to his, her brow furrowing as he lifted his hips and moved faster. She took one hand from his shoulder and pressed it between her legs, her mouth opening and closing like she was drowning in air, her free hand grasping painfully at the back of his neck.

"Cas!" She gasped his name and it was almost a question, a note of shock, nearly panic in her voice as he felt her stiffen and tremble in his arms and then, nothing could have stopped him.

He grabbed wildly for her, pulled her as close as possible, pressing his forehead to hers, he panted her name like a sobbed mantra and for the first time in years, lost himself completely.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N *please be aware that the story is now taking a turn for the dark*

Music on youtube link on my profile x

* * *

**Chapter 7 "_We love all our children here"_**

* * *

Sometime before the glow of dawn started to wind its cautious way between the buildings, they made their way to bed.

Sleepily they lay together, wrapped in each other, holding hands, their fingers twining back and forth, Meg sometimes pulling hers away from his grasp, to roll her hand around Cas's palm before linking them again.

"Cas."

"Hm?"

"Did you play me?"

He shifted to look down at her. "What do you mean?"

Meg looked up at him and lifted the side of her mouth impishly before planting a kiss on his chest.

"I mean, that whole inexperienced act." She slid her body across his so that she was lay atop him. "You sure could have fooled me."

He laughed softly and looked away, embarrassed.

"I may be inexperienced, but I'm not a monk….. I have internet…."

Meg threw back her head and laughed before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him quickly.

"You watched porn?" She said with mock outrage, then chuckled at his awkwardness, took his face in her hands and pulled him to look at her, kissing his mouth, his throat, his brow.

He smiled and held close to him again so she was nestled in the crook of his arm.

"Yes. I did."

"Was there a plumber or a teacher or something?" She teased, enjoying the slow blush that was creeping up his face.

"Pizza man."

"Ooh… the Pizza man. Pizza man porn is the best porn." She bit him on the shoulder softly. "Who did the pizza man fuck?"

"The babysitter."

"Of course. The babysitter."

Cas turned his head towards her, looking her dead in the eye, he half smiled, then moved across her, placing his body over hers.

"He didn't just _fuck_ the babysitter."

"No?"

Meg grinned, biting her lip she wiggled under him, his arms either side if hers, effectively pinning her under him. He bent his head to suck on her neck.

"What else did the Pizza man do?" She chuckled.

Cas kissed her mouth, her collar bones, her chest, moved his way down her body trailing kisses in his wake.

As he reached her thighs he ran his hands down them, and glanced up at Meg, who was no longer smiling, but glassy eyed and softly panting.

"Maybe it's easier if I show you." He whispered.

* * *

"You remember, back at my place. You asked me who I was running from."

"Yeah."

"You said you knew I was running from someone. You knew the look. Knew what I was feeling."

Cas remained silent so she gently pressed on.

"Are _you _running Cas?"

The sun was filtering through the blinds, weak mid morning light that dappled across the bed sheets, throwing shadows over their bodies.

She watched the light play over his face, highlighting the curve of his mouth before moving to catch his eye's making him blink. She waited for him to break the silence.

Her arm was draped over his stomach, and she felt it tense and shudder under the skin there.

"Yes." He said finally. Almost too quiet for her to hear.

"Will you tell me about it?"

He seemed to fold in on himself as though the weight of what she wanted him to say was too much to bear, even here, even in this bed.

"It's ok." She took him in her arms and held his head to her breast. "I'm sorry Cas. You don't have to tell me. Forget it."

He took a deep breath and shook his head, his face still pressed against her.

"No. I do. It's just… I haven't had to tell anyone for such a long time. Sometimes I almost forget it ever happened."

People had always judged Meg.

Had always accused her of talking to much, of relying on sarcasm or just plain meanness in most situations.

What they didn't know is that she knew exactly how to be considerate, but most of the time people were assholes and didn't deserve her tact.

Meg kissed the top of Cas's head and stroked his hair.

It was an odd feeling.

Realising that this was a person she could have infinite patience with.

Would wait for hours for him to speak, or graciously accept it if he chose not to.

It frightened her a little to feel this way.

"You know, it's funny. Until a few years ago I'd forgotten about TV, never drank a coke. Never been to the movies. Never even been shopping on my own."

Meg frowned to herself, but stayed silent. Concentrated on running her fingers, back and forth through his thick, black hair, taking as much comfort from it as he seemed to.

"When I was four, my mother joined with the Brothers of Enochia."

"Aren't they a cult?"

"I suppose they are. They follow the teachings of John Dee. He _apparently_ discovered the divine language used by angels."

He took a shuddery breath.

"My Mother was kind of wild, apparently. Dragged me all over the country hooking up with drug dealers, leaving me for days alone in abandoned houses or in crack dens…. Then one day she met Elijah."

* * *

_Cas could remember fragments of his early childhood._

_It was hazy, sometimes filtered through soft light, and lost to pitch black with other memories._

_His mother had long, straight blond hair, that whipped around her face when the wind caught it. _

_Sometimes he would remember the days they had spent on the edge of the desert._

_It didn't matter that they were having to sleep in the car or that he'd lost his shoes and was having to hop around avoiding sharp rocks and scorpions._

_All that mattered was that she was with him and she was happy._

_She scooped him up in her arms and twirled him around until he was breathless with fear and delight._

_She laughed and laughed and held him tight to her, her hair falling over him like golden rays for him to busy his face in._

_-My little Castiel. My little angel. My boy…._

_My boy._

* * *

"Elijah found us one night, sleeping in the car. He offered her a place to stay, to sort herself out, but we never left though."

* * *

_-Why can't I see my Mom?_

_- Because you must undertake your schooling boy._

_- I want my Mom._

_- Your Mother wishes you to be a good child. Are you a good child Castiel?_

_- Yes._

_- And yet here you are, demanding things from me. A demanding nature dishonours God._

_- I just want my Mommy!_

_- ….and tears too! Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline then." …. Do you understand Castiel? We love all our children here._

* * *

Meg felt him push harder against her, like she was the rock that would keep him from drowning in memories.

"It's a harsh place. The compound where the Brotherhood is based. I hardly saw my Mother after we arrived. They cut her hair. I remember that. Cropped it like a boys. She'd barely look at me. I understand now that she had no choice, but in the beginning it was hard for me, to see her walk past and look the other way."

"Oh. Cas…"

"Please. Don't say anything. If you start talking now I might not be able to go on."

* * *

_The daily routine of waking, prayers, chores, lessons, more prayers, more chores and yet more prayers, shaped his life._

_The motion of his days shaped him, knocked the jagged edges from his personality._

_He forgot the outside world._

_Forgot the cars and shops, TV's and burgers._

_He learned to numb himself to beatings, to cruel punishments._

_Didn't memorize that psalm? Go kneel in that corner on the stone floor, in prayer for three hours._

_Didn't do a chore as well as expected? Stand outside in the rain with your arms in front of you till you're called in._

_Maybe they'll forget you._

_Maybe they won't._

_He survived._

_He survived by becoming invisible._

_And then, just when he had accepted his life, she was given to him._

* * *

"My wife. Daphne."

"You're married?" A cold stone settled in the pit of Megs stomach at the thought.

"Not anymore. She died."

* * *

_Married at nineteen to Daphne._

_Sweet, shy Daphne. _

_God, they were children._

_But for a while he was happy._

_Happier than he'd ever been._

_They kept their small room on the compound clean, attended their prayers and work separately, ate their meals with their brothers and sisters, secretly snatched half smiles and blushes from each other across the diner table when no one was watching._

_And at night, after prayers, they lay together in their hard, narrow bed and chastely found some tenderness in their lives._

* * *

"She fell pregnant quickly, but lost the baby. It happened four more times and each time I was afraid she would be hurt, that she would bleed and not stop."

He took Meg in his arms then and pulled her to him, and in a flash of jealousy she couldn't control, she wondered if he was imagining Daphne in his arms and not her.

She swallowed it down.

Feeling jealous of someone who was dead was low, even for her.

She relaxed into his arms ad lay her head on his chest, listening to the strong, slow beat of his heart.

"When she finally held onto a baby we were delighted, but also terrified. Children in the Brotherhood don't spend much time with their parents. It's not encouraged to actually parent them. This is usually left to other members."

"Raising baby clones." Whispered Meg.

"Something like that, yes."

* * *

_- Castiel. Do you ever think about the outer world? _

_- Sometimes._

_- Do you think it would be safe to live in?_

_- I don't know. I don't remember._

_- I want to be a good wife._

_- …and you are!_

_- But… I….._

_- You want to leave?_

_- I should not have suggested that. You should inform the elders. I should be educated…._

_- No…. Daphne…._

_- I'm an abomination! I'm wicked…._

_- Please don't cry. _

_- Castiel….. I want to have our baby in the outer world. I don't want our baby to grow up here. Like we did._

* * *

"You have to understand that Daphne was remarkable. She had been born there, knew virtually nothing of life outside the compound walls, yet she still saw the wrongness in the place."

"So you left?"

"No. She went into labour early. The Brothers don't use doctors, don't allow outsiders in….. She died in childbirth. ….. Along with our daughter."

She had no words of comfort.

What could she say?

That she understood?

All she could do was wrap her arms around him and kiss him softly on the cheek.

"A week after she was laid to rest, the elders told me to remarry. Said they had made their choice.

I couldn't stay.

I escaped. Climbed the wire, ran into the desert. Nearly died out there, but I made it."

* * *

_His first fumbling steps along the asphalt._

_Half crazed with thirst and hunger._

"_Hey! Hey man? You ok?"_

_The truck driver squinted down at him from his cab._

"_Thirsty." Rasped Castiel._

_The drive got down, handed him a bottle of water, took it back off him to open it when he realised Cas couldn't do it himself._

"_Come on man. I'll give you a ride, get on in."_

* * *

"I drifted for a while until I ended up here, then I met Dean."

"Dean know about all this?"

"Most of it. I….. I didn't tell him about Daphne. It was too soon.. Too raw…

He took me in, got me a job at the bar. didn't belong to him then, belonged to his Dad. Dean got me to the stage where I could function like a human being rather than a verse spouting clone. Helped me find a place to live, even babied me through things like shopping for clothes and food."

Meg quickly readjusted her thoughts on Dean.

She could imagine the patience it would have taken to help Cas learn to live in a world with so much choice, where he held his own destiny in his hands for the very first time..

"Cas….I….."

"I'm so tired." Cas kissed her gently. "I'd really like to sleep now."

She nodded and snuggled into him.

But she wasn't stupid.

She'd done enough silent crying in her life to know what he was doing.

He wasn't as invisible as he thought he was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 "I shouldn't be here."**

* * *

Meg lay for a while, listening to the long slow breaths from Cas sleeping next to her.

Sitting up carefully she watched him for a while.

In sleep he was truly at peace.

All the tension had fallen from his face but the tiny faint line between his eyes was still there though, testimony to how much time he spent with his brow knit.

His lips were slightly parted and she had the overwhelming urge to run her fingers over them.

Instead, she swung her legs off the bed slowly, carefully, so as not to wake him, snatched up a t-shirt from the floor, not hers but she pulled it on anyway, and padded out of the bedroom.

She stood for a while, soaking in the atmosphere.

The room was small, a half kitchen in one corner, the walls covered in book shelves, a tiny TV.

Passing the sofa, she found her underwear and stepped into them before going to examine some of the books.

It seemed to be that he preferred no particular genre.

Kids books sat with horror next to self help and animal care. Medical text books, celebrity biographies, crime and thriller, even romance. These were the books of a man making up for lost time, from A.A Milne to Stephen King and everything in between.

For some reason this made her unbearably sad.

The thought of someone trying to stuff nearly 30 years of experience into a few hundred books, trying to live vicariously through these words and seemingly happy to do so. Eager, almost, to shun anything but work, unable to relate to most people.

People who had grown up in loving families, with friends, a sense of worth.

This neat little apartment was his place of safety.

And she'd invaded it.

Finding her jacket, Meg fished around in the pockets for her cigarettes, then grabbed a blanket off the sofa and went over to the window.

Outside was the fire escape, and as he was on the top floor of the building, he'd put a few pot plants out there.

Furtively, she opened the window and stepped outside into the frigid, early winter air.

She didn't care.

Let the cold consume her.

Numb her bones.

Cold concentrated the heat to the core of her and nothing else mattered.

She lit her cigarette with shaking hands and blew smoke away with a trembling mouth.

Wrapping the blanket tight around her, she sank to the floor and quietly began to sob.

Something about this place, about Cas, it made her feel tainted.

Marked by the past.

The mistakes, the wrong roads she'd taken, the wrong people trusted.

Here was this man who'd been through so much, who'd quietly fought for this simple life, and here she was…..

The girl from a nice family who went off the rails a little, and then a lot, and then dropped out of life all together.

How could she stay?

Cas obviously needed someone like his wife.

Needed the simple clean love she'd provided him with, and Meg couldn't do that.

_I should go…._

She turned the thought over in her head.

Why pretend this was anything more than any other one night stand?

Was this anything she hadn't done countless times before?

_Go inside, grab your clothes, leave._

Sniffing, she wiped her nose on the inside of her wrist then smashed the hardly smoked cigarette into nothing against the metal rail.

She hadn't done this before though.

No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.

When he'd kissed her that first time, it was like her heart stopped, everything in her body had contracted and then swelled at that most simple of touches.

When it came down to it, she didn't want to leave.

She wanted to stay, with him. Wanted to crawl back into bed and forget anything that had happened before that kiss.

Wanted to curl herself around him, protect him from the world, even while he was protecting her.

"Meg?"

He was stood at the open window, arms wrapped around his bare chest, watching her warily.

She turned back towards the street and lit another cigarette.

"Meg, come inside. It's freezing."

"I'm smoking."

"You can smoke inside. I don't mind."

She shook her head violently and stifled a sob.

"No. No I can't. I'll stink the place up."

There was silence, then the sound of Cas stepping out onto the fire escape.

She glanced at him quickly, her lips pursed together to stop them trembling.

He wore only shorts, goose bumps covering the rest of his body, his feet bone white with cold.

"Come inside." He said gently, taking the cigarette from her shaking hands.

"No." She whispered, but let him take it from her, let him hold her hand.

"Please."

He stepped back through the window, helped her climb back inside, closed it and then, taking the blanket, wrapped it around the both of them, pulling her close to him, trying to warm her body with his.

Together they sat on the sofa, Cas rubbing her arms vigorously through the fabric.

"I shouldn't be here." She said quietly.

"Don't you want to be?"

Meg looked up and him and laughed, a hollow sound as far removed from mirth as possible.

"Shouldn't and want aren't the same thing."

He smiled a little and kissed the top of her head. "I think you make life too complicated."

"I think you don't realise how complicated it is." She retorted.

He recoiled a little, his smile slipping, and in that instant she would have given anything to take that back.

"Are you saying you don't want to be with me? Am I just another guy?"

"No….. Jesus…. I don't know!"

Cas gripped her by the shoulders and made her face him.

"Meg… Look at me Meg…. Just take a second, breath and think. It doesn't matter what I want, or what you think I want, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or say's, it doesn't matter about anything that's happened before _right now_…. Tell me what _you_ want."

She shook violently, wasn't sure it was just from the cold that had crept in without her realising it.

Something about his gaze made her honest, defied her to tell him anything that wasn't true to her heart.

"Cas….. I want _you_. I want you. I want to stay here with you and I'm so _afraid _that I'll fuck it up… I…"

But he was kissing her, smothering her words with his mouth.

"Then stay. Nothing else matters." He whispered between kisses. "Stay with me."

Music on youtube- link on my profile :)


	9. Chapter 9

A/N... Thank you so much for your continued following of this story and a big thanks to those that are moved to leave comments/reviews. xxx

* * *

**Chapter 9 - "You're jealous?"**

* * *

"What are we gonna do?"

Meg had her face buried in his neck as she said this. He felt her lips moving on his skin, her breath, hot against his pulse.

He pulled her tighter to him and kissed her forehead.

"Just like you said. Whatever the hell we want."

"It seemed so simple when I said it."

"It is. We can make it simple."

She laughed and wriggled up the sofa so she was facing him, smiled sadly into his face.

"Look at us. We're hopeless. A broken demon and a fallen angel. We don't fit anywhere Cas."

"Yes we do." He ran his fingers down her cheek to rest them on her lips, smiled when she then kissed the tips. "We fit here."

She didn't reply, but it didn't matter to him.

Words weren't important.

When he'd woke to find her gone from the bed it felt like someone had pushed their hand into his chest and gripped his heart in a cold fist.

He'd nearly jumped out of bed in a panic, but instead he'd lay looking at the ceiling, carefully slowing his racing heart, calming his ragged breathing.

If she was gone, there was nothing he could do about it.

Nothing at all.

Would his confessions of his past make her run?

Had he hurt her feelings somehow, telling her about Daphne?

He'd ran his hands through his hair and exhaled shakily.

It wasn't like he was well trained in the art of starting a relationship.

If that was what was even happening.

But he'd gone through to the next room and seen the curtain billowing in the icy wind, seen her out on the fire escape, and Jesus…. When she'd turned to him with her red rimmed, feral eyes, the way she looked at him was like a punch to the stomach.

* * *

_- Mom!_

_- Isn't it beautiful Castiel!_

_She was balanced on the rail, one hand reaching out into the darkness, the other lightly holding onto the side of the wall. _

_Her skirt was caught by the wind, rising and falling about her thighs, her hair, like a halo, covering her face before souring above her head, like it was trying to escape. He remembered that image very well, how her hair had looked alive, like it was trying to get away from his mother before she did anything bad._

_- Mommy pleeeeaasee!_

_She turned her terrible tear stained face to him and beckoned with slender fingers._

_- It won't hurt. I promise. Come with me angel. Come to momma…._

_He'd shook his head and sobbed, screaming for her to come in, before rough hands pushed him away and the man they were staying with scrambled out onto the fire escape, snatching his mother off the rail while she shrieked in anger._

_Behind him he heard another man chuckling. A low, throaty, otherworldly sound to his small ears._

_- Guess Mommy got a bad trip little dude._

_She kicked and spat and snarled as she was dragged through the window and in her eyes was nothing._

_No light, no love._

_She was all wild animal, like something had possessed her._

* * *

Maybe Meg would never know how hard it was for him to step out onto that fire escape, to coax her back inside, but he did, he did it for her, saw the hopelessness in her stare and knew he had to fix it.

"It scares me." He said at last.

"What?"

"This enormous weight I have in my chest. I've spent so long just caring for myself, not having to worry about anyone but me, but… You came along and from the moment you walked into the bar, I've been worrying."

Meg pressed her palm to his cheek and stared into his eyes, her mouth serious.

"People don't worry about me."

"I do."

"Maybe you don't have to anymore."

"I don't want to spend a second without you."

She laughed and he smiled softly in return.

"Very controlling… can I even shower alone?"

"No."

"Showing alone is no fun anyway." She grinned, and he kissed her, quick, hard and she chuckled, a playfulness returning to her eyes and Cas felt that weight lift slightly.

Not completely, but at least a little.

* * *

"Ready?"

She felt Cas squeezing her hand, almost painfully.

"It'll be ok. They're your friends."

He nodded, but still said nothing.

Meg stood on tip toe and kissed him before smiling up into his worried face.

"Relax. I got your back." She promised, holding his hand tight and walking them through the door.

"Oh! Finally!" Dean looked up from the delivery notes he was sorting through and grinned as they walked into the bar. "I hope this new situation doesn't mean my best worker's about to become tardy."

He winked at Cas who smiled weakly back at him.

A last squeeze of Megs hand and he went off to put his apron on.

She saw him go over to Sam, who put a hand on his shoulder, as though he was commiserating. Meg bristled slightly, but held her tongue.

"A word in my office Meg?"

"Sure boss."

She swallowed down her desire to snap at him. This wasn't the time for burning bridges.

"So….. You and Cas…."

Meg smiled widely, opened her palms towards Dean and narrowed her eyes. "Yup. Me and Cas."

He was quiet for a moment.

God.

She could practically hear the gears turning in his head while he tried to work out what to say.

"Listen…. Meg…"

"Is this going to be the - _break my buddy's heart and I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog - _speech? Because if it is, I'm gonna have to follow it up with the - _This is none of your goddamn business_- speech I have prepared."

He squinted at her, set his jaw, and she smiled a little at how it twitched.

She'd thrown him off his stride.

Finally he ran his hand down his face and sighed.

"Cas is my friend." He said simply, his gaze softer, eye's imploring. "I care about him a lot and I know he is crazy about you, has been for weeks. You must know how he is though."

"We've talked."

Dean folded his arms, a tiny flicker of irritation crossed his face.

"How much do you know?"

"I know about the Brothers of Enochia. I know how you helped him."

_I know a damn sight more than you, _was what she wanted to say.

"He isn't strong, emotionally I mean, he has…. Issues."

"We all have issues Dean."

"I don't think you're taking this seriously."

She glared at him, all thoughts of being tactful and diplomatic fled.

"Look Dean…. What makes you think I can't care for Cas? You think because I slept around that I can't have an actual relationship?"

"Is that what you have?" His mouth was curled into a smirk and damn she wanted to slap if off his face.

"Yes, that's what we have."

"So you didn't just go back to his and fuck him? Now you have some _connection_?"

"Exactly."

"Bullshit!"

He kicked at his chair, sending it spinning across the room.

"Don't you dare tell me you have something special with Cas after _one night_! Jesus! I spent _years_ helping him through things. He didn't even know how to cross a goddamn road when I met him. Then _you_ come along and suddenly…. "

Meg laughed. "You're jealous?"

"What?"

"You've had Cas as your personal pet project and now he doesn't need you as much as you thought."

"Shut up."

"I don't know what you want me to say Dean. You want me to admit that I'm not good enough for _your _boy? Because believe me, you won't be telling me anything that I don't already know. You think I want to hurt him? That I'm gonna hook up with other guys and watch his face crumple? I suppose you think in my spare time I enjoy kicking puppies too."

Dean was silent, his arms folded tight across his chest, mouth set in anger.

"You want to fire me? Fine. But I'm not walking away from Cas."

When he still didn't answer Meg shrugged.

"I guess we're done here. I have work to do, so long as I still have a job."

* * *

Music on youtube~ link on my profile x


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**- We're gonna pick up the pace after this chapter. A big thanks again to those that follow/comment. I like to say thanks by PM but lots of you are guests so I can't! So this thank you is for YOU! x

* * *

**Chapter 10 - "This is Hell"**

* * *

Reaching for his apron, Cas started a little as Sam dropped his hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, Cas. How you doing?"

"Good, thank you."

He saw Sam glance towards Meg, saw the tiny movement in his jaw that he'd long ago recognised as annoyance.

"So….. Ahh….. Last night…."

"Yes?"

He decided then and there, he wasn't going to make it easy, wasn't going to apologise.

Sam chuckled nervously. "Um, did you get home alright?"

"Yes."

"…and Meg…?"

"Yes?"

He watched him struggle to find the words. If it had been Dean stood here, he would have just come out and said it, but Sam, always the more discreet of the two, was trying hard to skirt around the issue.

"…I just wondered…"

"Are you asking me if I slept with her?"

"What! No! Of course not!….." He raised an eyebrow and looked sidelong at him. "Did you?"

Cas frowned slightly and pulled the apron over his head, reaching behind him to knot the ties.

"You know, I may not be as experienced in these matters as yourself Sam, but I believe a gentleman doesn't tell. Am I correct?"

He fixed Sam with a piercing stare that dared him to say anymore, but he'd got the message. His mouth snapped shut and, after a hesitation, he smiled weakly and suddenly found himself busy elsewhere.

* * *

The night seemed to be full of her.

Every time she had to pass him, which she seemed to be often, she would touch his back subtly, squeeze his hand quickly, let her fingers linger on his arm.

He'd look across the bar and watch her working, smiling and laughing while serving drinks, and then she'd catch his eye and smile at him, and he realised there was a movement of her lips, a crinkling of her eyes, reserved for him alone.

Cas found himself stumbling, his fingers clumsy with change, having to ask patrons to repeat orders.

She was everywhere.

On his skin, in his mouth, behind his eyes.

When she moved past him, her scent made his heart judder.

When she smiled while handing over a drink to someone, he felt irrational stabs of jealousy.

For years now, he'd been content to spend his time either at home or working.

He _enjoyed_ his work.

All he wanted now though, was to grab her hand and pull her back out into the street, to run home with her until their breath was burning in their lungs and their legs could barely hold them up, and then…. then they would devour each other like wild animals.

"I asked for _lite _beer!"

Cas blinked up at the frowning face on the other side of the bar, then down at the beer in his hand.

"Sorry." He mumbled, putting it back and grabbing the right bottle.

He saw her watching him and felt heat rising in his face.

She winked slowly before turning back to her orders.

_Oh god._

This was new territory for him.

He'd never felt like this.

His short time with Daphne was like another sensation altogether, like it happened to someone else in an old movie he'd watched a long time ago.

When Meg had touched him, wrapped her arms around his neck while they danced, something had shifted inside him.

Like a tiny crack in a dam.

Her fingers twined behind his neck was the start, her lips moving against his had created a steady stream of water through the breach, her body pressed to his, her flesh warm and soft, that had broken him down completely.

There was no patching up, no rebuilding.

The wall was broken.

For better or worse, he was going to have to learn how to live without it.

* * *

"You and that Cas boy an item now, huh?"

Meg smiled at Bobby and swapped his whiskey for the note he held out to her.

"News travels fast round here."

"Nah. Been obviously for weeks. Just wondered if you kids had actually told each other yet." He knocked back his drink and held is glass up for a refill.

"You're wily." Meg winked, sliding his glass back to him.

"Just observant…. Like him.." He nodded towards Dean. "You've put his nose out of joint."

Meg shrugged. "Can't help that."

"No. You can't. But he can't help feeling put out. You understand?"

She nodded, glancing over at Dean, hunched over the counter at the back of the bar.

"He treats that boy like his brother. His family. So, tread lightly."

Coming from Bobby it didn't smart.

There was no jealousy or anger, just clear facts.

_Tread lightly._

"I will." She said quietly and smiled at him as he pushed back from the bar and raised a finger in a goodbye salute.

The hot anger she'd felt before dissipated a little.

Maybe it was the idea of family.

Sometimes she forgot how that could be.

The fierce loyalty, the understanding that any hurt would be lashed out against on their behalf, the cautious, almost hostile behaviour towards those who threaten to disrupt the status quo.

She wondered if her family was still like that.

Meg could hardly remember.

Maybe they never had been.

Maybe that was why she looked for it elsewhere.

Sighing, shaking her head a little, as though she could clear the thought, she picked up an empty crate and took it out to the back storeroom.

"Meg."

She turned to find Cas had followed her.

Smiling, she held out her hand. "Come here…." Watched his eyes widen, watched a half smile try and form on his lips as he reached for her.

He pushed his mouth to hers roughly and she attacked him back, knocking teeth, biting lips, nipping tongues.

"This is hell." He groaned, pushing his fingers into her hair.

Meg rolled her body hard against his and chuckled.

"Funny. I was just thinking it felt like heaven."

He grabbed her hands and held them tight to the wall, his mouth working on her neck, making her shiver and gasp.

"I'm counting this as your breaks…" Dean shouted as he walked past the open door on his way to the office.

Cas stopped, glanced towards the door and laughed softly, embarrassed at being caught.

Meg grinned and kissed him hard on the mouth.

* * *

"Sam already said he'd give me a ride to mine, it's on his way. I'll grab a cab and be over to yours in an hour, promise."

He couldn't keep his hands off her. Ran them down her arms, over her back, held her waist, her hand, touched her face, lips… God.

He was like the thirsty man in the desert who, asking for a drink, is offered a hundred different beverages.

"I wish you wouldn't."

"Quit it with the puppy dog eyes Cas." She chuckled. "I'm the one still wearing last nights clothes, remember? I'm gonna shower and change, throw some things in a bag. I'll be back before you know it."

She looked up at him with hooded eyes and bit on her lip. "I promise."

Reluctantly he let her go, raised a hand as she slipped into Sams car, a pit forming in his stomach, an irrational fear that he'd never see her again.

* * *

Back in his apartment, Cas found he had no idea what to do.

Usually he came home, showered, ate something and then went to bed.

But now he paced the floor, adjusting the angle of the sofa, moving books from one shelf to another.

He made the bed, twice, wondered if he should cook something, make a drink…..

All he wanted was her, here…. If she was here then none of this would matter.

Exasperated, he sat down, heavily on the sofa, pressed his hands to his eyes and tried to calm down.

He hadn't felt like this for a long time.

This runaway feeling of losing control, the way anxiety crept into his chest and held tight, pushing the air from his lungs.

The only thing was, he didn't want to avoid what was making him feel like this.

He wanted to meet it head on, to beat the feeling of helplessness.

Settling for this safe, but ultimately shallow existence was no longer an option.

Knocking at the door.

He jumped up, hesitated, taking a deep breath to steady himself, then opened the door.

"Hello Castiel."

He gawped in shock at the woman stood primly outside his door.

"Naomi?"

* * *

Music on youtube link on profile as usual :)


	11. Chapter 11

A/N - Phew... longer one. Hope you all like where it's going :) x

* * *

**Chapter 11 - "I'm not your Brother."**

* * *

"I get it, you know? You don't have to worry."

Meg kept her eyes averted as she said this.

Watched the dark streets slide past as Sam drove her home.

"Meg…."

"No. I mean it." She smiled sadly, softly. "I know what you think of me, what your brother thinks of me, but how I was a few days ago isn't what I am now."

Sam said nothing, only glanced quickly at her before looking back at the road.

"You ever meet someone who could strip all the pretence away Sam?"

"I…. don't think so…"

"Then you haven't. If you had, you'd know. You meet someone like that once in your life, if at all. Rare as a unicorn."

"No. I haven't then."

"Well. Cas is my unicorn."

Sam frowned at her before realising she was smiling, then laughed, and she allowed herself to laugh a little with him.

As he pulled up outside her building she turned to him and smiled.

"I wouldn't hurt him for the world. Tell Dean that. Ok?"

"Sure. I will."

She nodded once, then slipped out of the car.

* * *

Naomi was sat on the sofa.

Her hair pulled back in a severe bun, her knees pressed tight together, hands clasped in her lap, looking questioningly at Cas, who was stood, nervously swaying from foot to foot in front of her.

"How did you find me?" He blurted out at last.

A smile spread across her face, suggesting that he was being slow.

"You've never really been lost Castiel. We've known where you were living for a long time now."

Cas had the overwhelming urge to sink to the floor in horror. It took all his strength to not just let his knees buckle.

Naomi still had the superior, mock compassionate, tilt of the head she'd used so well back at the compound.

* * *

_- Castiel._

_- Yes Sister Naomi?_

_- This floor is not clean enough._

_Emotionlessly, she kicked over the bucket of dirty water, messing the floor he had spent an hour scrubbing._

_- It was clean! I swear!_

_- Are you calling me a liar Castiel?_

_- No Sister Naomi. _

_- Perhaps you think I'm blind then?_

_- No!… I…_

_- Perhaps it is _you_ who is blind. _

_She was strong, even at thirteen, strong enough to grab an six year old Castiel by the scruff of the neck._

_Naomi pressed her fingers to his eyes and he squeezed them shut._

_Even so, bright flashes of light and colour began to play behind his eyelids as she bore down harder and harder._

_- Please! Please Sister! Please stop! I'll clean it well! I promise!_

_She pushed him to the floor and he lay sprawled in the filthy water._

_Smoothing down her skirt she stood very straight, clasped her hands in front of her and smiled kindly._

_- You have half an hour Castiel. Unless you feel you don't need eyes that is._

* * *

"I have to say, I don't think living in the outer world is doing much for you Brother. You look… scrawny."

"I'm not your Brother."

She shrugged lightly.

The fact that she really didn't care made his skin cold, the flippant way she'd hurt, not only him, but the others, all those years ago, still made his breath catch in his throat.

"I'm not going back."

He was glad to hear that his voice wasn't as shaky as he felt.

Naomi made him feel like a helpless child, and all she'd done was sit in his apartment and smile at him.

"I'm not here to take you back. Castiel….. If we'd wanted you back we could have plucked you up at anytime."

She shook her head and chuckled quietly to herself.

"Then why…..?"

"I have news for you, that's all."

"News?"

"Your Mother. Elijah says she is ill. Dying. She wants to see you one last time."

Now his legs really did buckle and he gripped the nearest bookshelf tight to stop himself from falling.

He hadn't seen his Mother since he was a child.

Not really.

Oh he'd spied her a few times across a courtyard, a thin pale woman moving silently along with others like her.

It had almost got to the point where he could hardly tell her from the next.

As a woman who had bourn a child out of wedlock, she was kept away from the main body of the Brotherhood.

The "fallen" women had prayed, worked and eaten at separate times to the rest of them.

"Why now?" He whispered, swallowing hard.

Naomi shrugged.

"I'm just relaying the message. See her or don't. It won't make much difference to either of you I expect. But, Elijah willed it, so I am here."

She stood and went to Cas, gripped him by the shoulders and smiled at him.

An outsider watching would see a kind gesture, but Cas was shaking with the awakening of old fears.

"If you do want to see her, I wouldn't leave it too long. She has a few days, a week maybe. So decide quickly."

And with that, she was gone and Cas finally slipped to the floor, burying his face in his hands, keening for all that had been lost.

This was how Meg found him.

Bent over his knees, wailing like a child.

He felt her arms go around him but he couldn't stand.

All he could do was grasp at her, pull her down with him and listen to her shakily whispering to him, over and over.

_It's Ok._

_It's Ok._

* * *

The four stood in Cas's neat little apartment, a grim silence hanging over them that Dean finally broke.

"You going?"

Meg felt Cas pressing against her and she clasped his hand in return.

When she'd walked in through the open door and found him bereft, unable to get him to talk to her, she'd called Dean.

It was one thing being prideful, but knowing when to bow out to those with more experience was something she wasn't too vain to do.

"Yes."

She saw Sam glance at Dean, his eyebrows raised in question, but Dean just stood stoically, hands folded across his chest, watching Cas.

"I need to."

"Ok. I'll drive you, we'll be there in a few hours, spend the day, You and me can be home in less than two days. In and out. No fuss."

"…and me…" Meg felt Cas's fingers tighten on hers. "Right?"

Cas looked across at Meg and she saw then, the conflict in his eyes, felt his grip on her hand slowly loosen.

She looked from one to the other. "You're kidding right?"

"… Meg…"

Her eyes widened in surprise. "You don't _want_ me there?"

Cas turned away slightly and with a shaky sigh whispered. "No."

Meg felt Dean grasp her arm, she angrily snatched it away but he took hold of her other though and she turned to glare at him..

"Outside." He growled, jerking her arm and pulling her towards the door.

"Get your hands off me." She snarled as he shut the door behind them.

Dean half growled at her and pushed her against the wall on the other side of the corridor.

"Can you take one minute to think about someone _other _than yourself."

Meg pushed Dean away furiously. "What the hell are you talking about!"

"You have no idea do you! You can't be like that around him!"

"Jesus Dean! He's a grown man, and you're not his father or his keeper or his fucking _boyfriend_!"

They stood facing each other, panting like they'd just ran up all six flights of stairs, his eye's narrowed with rage, her fists clenched at her side, ready to lash out of she had to.

Finally he stood down, looked away from her and paced across to the opposite wall, leaning against it wearily.

Meg straightened up.

"What do you think is going to happen? When he gets to the compound? What do you think it will be like?"

"I don't know."

Dean swallowed hard and shook his head sadly. "It's gonna be hell for him. Look. Maybe he told some things, lots of things, about what happened there, but I doubt he told you all of it. Not possible that he told you half of what he's told me over the years, even if you'd stayed up all night talking.."

He glanced over at her and risked a small smile and she returned it, despite herself.

"There's a very good chance that he'll have a breakdown. Maybe on the way, maybe when we get there…. Damn….. Memories will do that to a person, turn around the strongest of us. Do you think he wants you to see him like that?"

She hadn't considered it.

All this time she'd been set on supporting him, helping him through anything that was hurting.

"I've seen him with you Meg. I'm still reserving judgement on whether you two are the real deal, but I've seen the change in him, and it's good…. I'm _glad_ for him. He deserves to be happy….. But any headway he's made by knowing you is gonna be broken if you're there."

"You mean, he needs to be stronger before he can be vulnerable?"

"Exactly."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah. I get it. I don't like it… but I get it."

"Huh!" Dean scratched the back of his head and shrugged. "I thought there'd be more…. Arguing.."

Meg rolled her eyes. "I'm volatile Dean, not stupid."

She walked past him into the apartment and went straight to Cas, wrapping her arms around him.

She heard Dean slap Sam on the back.

"Cas, what'd you say I pick you up early tomorrow?"

When he didn't reply She heard them move towards the door. "Let's go Sammy. Six am Cas."

As the door shut behind them, Meg felt his arms slip cautiously around her waist.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"No."

"I am. I've hurt your feelings."

"Not at all."

She felt him tense, grip the back of her jacket with both fists.

"I hate this." She felt the anger and frustration vibrating through his body. "I hate the weakness, I hate being so afraid of everything all the time. I hate how a memory can paralyse me."

He took a long slow breath and shuddered in her arms.

"Why are you even here? You're so strong, nothing scares you. What must I look like to you?"

"…Cas…"

"I'm nothing."

"Hey!" Meg pulled away angrily and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "You are _not_ nothing, you hear me? You are the strongest person I've ever met. People who've dealt with a fraction of the crap you did never made it out the other side, they let themselves get consumed by it, defined by it. They're not holding down a job and living on their own, so you need to stop thinking like that Cas, because when I look at you I don't see someone who's weak… I see someone who got dealt the shittiest hand imaginable and who came through it to become a kind, generous, strong man that I want to be with!"

Something shifted in his eyes.

A subtle change, like her words had taken him by the shoulders and shaken him.

He pushed her hands off him, raised his own and put them to her face.

Gently he kissed her.

"Cas." She whispered into his mouth. "Take me to bed."

* * *

A battle still raged inside him.

Sometimes it was hard to decide if the painful swells inside his chest were from anxiety or desire.

He chose desire.

Maybe he could fool himself.

_Fake it till you make it, _wasn't that what Dean had always said?

She lay beneath him, her hair tangled around her head, her eyes locked to his, finger tips slowly stroking his chest.

"When you get back…." She said softly, letting her fingers trail lower to his belly. "… we'll go out, just the two of us."

He groaned as she started stroking him, let his head drop, closed his eyes, concentrated on the sensation of her hands working quietly but persistently.

"We'll go se some dumb movie, eat popcorn, make out in the back row…."

He could easily lose himself to her touch, but instead, he propped his weight on one elbow and pressed his hand to her, feeling the push of her pelvis grinding against his fingers.

Meg stopped stroking him and tilted his face back towards her, kissing him hard.

"I can make it sweet." She murmured, moving his hand away and raising her hips towards him.

Slowly he pushed into her, her hand on the back of his neck, pressing their foreheads together, her lips parted to an o, gaze beseeching.

He never imagined he would be here.

Never for a moment thought he would find himself in bed with a woman, any woman, let alone Meg.

Every time he looked at her it was with wonder, confusion even.

He was the guy women's eyes slid over, not the one they flirted with, and yet, here she was.

This beautiful little animal lying under him, arching her back, hands in his hair, willing him on, catching his waist with her legs and urging him deeper, faster.

Her gasps and whimpers, hot in his ear, like the most potent base music known to man.

With a muffled cry she bit his shoulder and he was done, driving hard into her with a shaky exhalation, falling onto her, smothering her mouth with kisses while she lay panting under his weight.

"Will you wait?" A tiny note of panic in his voice.

She nodded, biting her lower lip to stop it trembling.

"I'll be here. When you come back. I'll be right here Cas."

He wrapped himself around her and wished he could let her come with him to the compound.

"I'm not going anywhere." She murmured.

Cas held her tight and fought hard to quash the panic in his chest.

He wanted so badly to believe her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12- "You left the Brotherhood."**

* * *

It was still dark when he left.

Like he wanted to steal away without anyone seeing, not so much as a distant glow on the horizon to herald the dawn and highlight his departure.

She saw that ice crystals had formed in the corner of the bedroom window, a tiny piece of winter that had snuck into his home, as though it felt the warmth leaving.

He hadn't wanted her to go downstairs with him, supposedly because he didn't want her to get cold, but she knew the real reason, that he wanted to separate the thought of her with the thought of where he was going, and if he could leave her in his bed, warm and sleepy, then he could feel more certain that she would be there when he came back.

It wasn't rocket science.

His years in the compound had made him an open book.

"Stay here." He'd pleaded before leaving. "There's food in the kitchen, hot water, clean sheets. I'd feel happier if I knew you were here, rather than at your place."

She'd agreed.

No need not to.

Meg kissed him gently and held him tight until an impatient blast on the Impalas horn sounding from the street below, drew them apart.

He couldn't look her in the eye but she let her fingers linger on his face a little longer, bit her lip against the tremble there.

And now he was leaving.

She had promised to stay in bed a while longer, but when he left, she stole over to the window.

Dean was lent against the car, his hands thrust deep in his pockets against the chill in the air.

He stepped forwards as Cas came out the building, small bag in his hand, his ratty overcoat wrapped around him, slapped him lightly on the shoulder and went round the front of the car to get in.

Meg stepped back away from the window as she saw Cas turn and look up at the building.

She longed to press her hand to the glass, to show him she could see him, but something made her hide in the shadows of the room.

Perhaps the feeling that if he saw her, he might change his mind, might come back up to the room and lock the door and never venture out again.

She knew it was the right thing to do, to let him go.

Even if it pained them both.

The Impala growled and swung smoothly from the curb, taking Cas away from her.

As she made her way back to bed, she grabbed Cas's shirt from the back of the chair where he'd left it, pressed it to her face and inhaled.

With it wrapped in her arms like a stuffed animal, she curled up in the now cold bed and waited, with dry eyes, for dawn to come.

* * *

"I thought the desert was hot!" Dean grumbled.

"It's December."

"Still, It's too cold for a desert."

The bleak landscape unfolded in front of them, long, flat mesas of rock that flanked them like tireless sentry's, tracking their progress.

When he'd ran, it had been summer.

The sun had beat down on him relentlessly, the mesas had burned a brilliant red and at times it had felt like he was walking through a corridor of hell.

Now though, the sun was weak, occasionally seeping through the yellow snow clouds that threatened them.

It hardly ever snowed here.

Not enough moisture.

It just got unbearably cold.

They'd been on the road six hours and for most of that time Dean had let him be.

He'd played his tapes and sang along quietly to himself, but he didn't press him to talk. Cas was grateful for a friend who understood.

He didn't think he'd be able to handle small talk today.

For the whole journey he'd sat quietly, his head humming with panic and fear, his guts wrapping themselves in knots in his belly.

At the last gas station they'd stopped at, Cas had stood in the bathroom, sweat beading on his brow as nausea washed over him. His face in the mirror had been waxy, pallid with dark circles under his eyes.

He looked like a man in the middle of a bad flu fever, all glassy eye's and pinched cheeks.

Dean had only looked at him with concern, but said nothing as he climbed back in the car.

Right now, in the Impala, he was in a safe place.

He'd taken many rides in this car and it felt like a second home, as calming to him as his home or the bar.

Even the burble of the engine and the hum of the road couldn't calm him now.

Behind him was Meg, before him, the compound.

Both situations made him want to crawl into a dark corner and pass out for a few hundred years.

So many risks to take.

The difference was though, Meg was worth fighting for.

Even if he was having to fight himself.

"You wanna check into a Motel first when we get into town? Freshen up a little?"

Cas shook his head.

"No. We've come this far, lets just get it over with."

"Ok. We'll grab a room after." Dean glanced at Cas. "You doing OK buddy?"

But Cas didn't answer.

He was absorbed in the sand and rock once again.

* * *

The gate was gone.

Cas stood in the space between the two giant pillars and frowned, Dean looking at him curiously.

"There was a gate." Muttered Cas, his voice rising a note as he turned to him. "It's gone. Why would it be gone?"

Dean shrugged and walked over to one of the pillars, engraved with the legend _Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for as such is the kingdom of heaven. _

He ran his thumb over the words.

"What are the symbols underneath?"

"Enochian. It's not a true translation, it's a simple form.

_Pvim Gaha Od Lrasd Booapis Ipam Ol Noasmi Nonca I: Niis Nostoah Corsi Oi Olad Londoh Ol Oadiriax_

… It is a slightly more disturbing quote in Enochian." He said quietly, his gaze sliding back to the compound ahead.

He felt Deans hand on his shoulder and shuddered a little.

"You ready to go in?"

He nodded once.

"You sure? Because we can turn around and leave. Come back tomorrow or come back never. Your call Cas."

"I'm sure." He started to walk towards the low, bleak buildings, Dean following behind.

* * *

Cas stood in front of the main meeting house and hesitated.

One part of him was terrified that he'd see Elijah and find himself at his feet, apologising, begging to be allowed back to the brotherhood.

He knew Dean wouldn't let that happen, but that wasn't what he was worried about.

What he was afraid of was being taken back to the Impala and driving home and wishing he'd stayed.

It was too complex an emotion to verbalise.

How could you explain to someone that the very place you hated with all your heart was also the only place you felt you belonged?

He knocked and a bright voice called out _It's open_.

Glancing at Dean, Cas took a deep breath, then stepped inside.

Sat behind a small desk was an older man Cas didn't immediately recognize. He was stout, balding, dressed simply in trousers and shirt, a jacket slung over the back of his chair as he was sat close to a small wood burning stove.

He looked up from his papers and smiled uncertainly. "May I help you?"

"_Esiasch Zachariah_."

The man blinked at Cas , then his eye's seem to clear and he smiled.

"_Esiasch…_. Um… Castiel? Am I right?"

"You are."

"You left the Brotherhood."

"Yes."

"And yet here you are! _Paid Molap_!"

"Paid what?" Dean whispered.

"_Paid Molap_…. Always Kin."

"_Ol Io-Iad Oiad Micma Paid?" _Zachariah said, moving around the desk to take Cas by the shoulders.

"I have remembered, rather than revered the old ways _Esiasch. _May we converse in English, so my companion can understand."

"As you wish." Zachariah narrowed his eyes at Dean but smiled when he turned back to Cas.

"I came to see Elijah."

He frowned in confusion.

"Elijah? _Esiasch, _Elijah passed over nearly two years ago. I have been _Gran Esiasch _here for nearly three. I'm so sorry."

Cas shot a panicked look Dean. "But the message? From Naomi?"

"Naomi?" Zachariah frowned. "Thin, severe looking woman?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry Castiel, Naomi left the brotherhood not long after you. She hasn't been here for nearly ten years."

"I don't understand. She told me Elijah requested my presence, that my mother was dying…"

When Zachariah glanced at Dean this time, it was with pity in his eyes and a small shake of his head.

* * *

The small grave yard at the edge of the compound was split in two by the main fence.

They had to open a small gate to get to the furthest, those buried in non consecrated ground.

"She gave them everything." He said quietly, crouching in front of the simple grave stone.

It said, _Emma, Noaln Oiad Hoath Ol _…. may God love you.

"She gave them her life, her work, her _son_…. And they couldn't even bury her in the real grave yard. They shunned her in death as they did in life."

He stood up, wiped at his face with the sleeve of his coat and took a deep breath.

In the distance he could see children filing out of one of the buildings, hear a bell ringing for evening prayers.

There seemed to be more life here now. The children where jostling and laughing. When he was a child they had spent most of their time in silence.

"It's not how I imagined." Said Dean finally. "I guess I thought it would be more … Amish…"

"The Amaish are a peaceful people." He said, as though that explained everything.

"Yeah."

Deans words trailed off as Cas walked away, back to the other graveyard.

Stopping at a small stone he motioned for Dean to join him.

"This is Daphne. My wife."

"Wife."

Dean frowned up at Cas, who stood solidly, his eye's steely, mouth set.

"I'd like to leave now."

* * *

He saw the tiny concerned glances that Dean threw his way, and he ignored them, concentrated instead on the darkness that was rushing in as they drove back to the nearest town to find a motel.

It was funny, but visiting the compound, seeing the graves, he thought he'd feel more, but if anything he felt like something had been taken from him there, like any emotions he might have felt had been left outside the gates and simply not picked up on the way out.

"Cas. I think we need to talk."

"What about?"

His voice sounded eerily calm to his ears, like someone else was talking.

"Doesn't this seem funny to you? I don't know what you think, but something stinks about this whole thing."

Cas didn't say a word.

He just didn't care.

* * *

Bobby Singer sat at the bar nursing his whiskey.

He hated this place, but Winchesters didn't open till six, he was a man devoted to his vice, and his vice wouldn't wait till six, so here he was.

Someone slid onto the stool next to him and motioned to the bartender.

"Double Craig, over ice, and… ahh… another for my friend here."

Bobby turned his head to look at the stranger.

Dressed in black, close cropped hair and an amused smile on his face, his accent was British, but not cut glass.

No.

Here was someone who had worked hard to stop himself dropping his "haiches".

He silently congratulated himself on his initial thoughts on him.

_Still got it._

"Much obliged." Muttered Bobby as the glass was slid over to him.

"My pleasure Mr Singer."

Bobby frowned at him.

"You have me at a disadvantage.."

The stranger smiled and nodded. "Yes, it would appear so." But made no effort to rectify this.

"I was told you frequent the Winchesters."

"On occasion."

"Well. I wonder if you might have seen someone there I'm looking for. Close family friend…."

He pulled out a picture and Bobby squinted at it.

"Don't recognise her."

"Shame. Shame. She got into some trouble you see, and her family are terribly upset about her disappearance. I understand there's a substantial reward for information as to her whereabouts."

"That so."

He leaned towards Bobby and smiled widely. "Substantial."

Bobby said nothing.

"Keep an eye out anyway. You can't miss her. Pretty face, bad sense of humour, bit of a whore."

He kept his silence, sipping at his drink and grimacing as though it were poison.

"Went to the Winchesters a few nights ago. You know that tall guy behind the bar? Kind of looked like a moose. Nice kid, intelligent….." He chuckled and threw some notes on the bar. "Have another on me, oh, and here's my card. Call me, if you hear anything. Anything at all."

As the stranger left, Bobby plucked up the card.

Two cell numbers on one side, his name on the other.

**_Lieutenant Crowley_**

**_Narcotics_**

* * *

**Enochian phrases.**

_Esiasch. - _Brother

_Paid Molap - _Always kin

_Ol Io-Iad Oiad Micma Paid - _You revere the old ways.

_Gran Esiasch- _Elder Brother

_Pvim Gaha Od Lrasd Booapis Ipam Ol Noasmi Nonca I: Niis Nostoah Corsi Oi Olad Londoh Ol Oadiriax- S_ickles will exist and dispose to eliminate serve (them) cannot be the end. Man become you, to you, unto you : carry you it has such ,that is god, the just, kingdom man lowers the heavens.

_Noaln Oiad Hoath Ol -_ May God love you

* * *

Music on youtube link on profile x


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13- "She wasn't mine."**

* * *

"Son of a bitch!" Dean threw his phone on the bed in frustration.

Cas was sat with his back to Dean, his hands clasped in his lap. "Still no reception?"

"We're never coming back to this shitty place again." He growled, snatching up his coat and heading for the door. "I'm gonna see if I can find a pay phone and give Sam a call, make sure everything's alright at home. You need anything?"

He shook his head.

All he wanted to do was get some sleep.

When Dean left, Cas took his shoes off and lay atop the covers, the tv playing quietly in the background, some dumb game show with an irritating soundtrack and forced audience laughter.

It jarred at his nerves but he didn't get up to turn it off.

He was exhausted.

Dean had tried to talk to him, about why Naomi had lied, but he couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus on anything but the thought of that small, sad grave marker.

She'd not been a mother to him.

They'd never baked cookies or finger painted or gone to the park.

He had danced with her in the desert, and on more on one occasion stayed up all night while she danced and laughed to herself, the syrupy feelings of confused love seemingly seeping from her pores.

He took his love from her where he could find it, but she had withdrawn it completely when they were with the Brotherhood.

So why did it upset him so much?

The death of a woman who'd tried to abort him, (she'd shared that gem with him when he was three) who'd left him alone, who'd handed him over to strangers to rear with rods and bible quotes.

She'd left him to live a life she didn't have to think about.

If he closed his eyes he could still remember the feel of her hair twined around his small fingers. The smell of lavender and cigarette smoke and that underlying sweetness that seemed to be the scent of her life.

It was hard to twin that memory with the woman he'd sometimes seen at the compound.

Meg had called herself broken, but his Mother?

She had been shattered beyond repair.

* * *

The jerk at the front desk had refused to let him use the phone, so Dean had walked a mile and a half to the gas station to use the payphone there.

After buying snacks and asking for his change in quarters, he went over the phone and dialled the bar.

Sam snatched it up after only one ring.

"Dean! Man! Did you get my messages?"

"No. There's no reception, I had to practically hike into the wilderness to find this payphone."

"Thank God you called!"

"Slow down Sammy, what's wrong? I've been gone les than a day, please tell me you didn't break my bar."

"Dean listen. It's Meg. She's gone."

* * *

As Sam unlocked the door Bobby walked in.

"Were you… waiting?" Sam raised an eyebrow as Bobby stalked past and sat himself at the bar.

"Whiskey. Double."

"You're the boss." Sam wandered back behind the bar and poured the drink, sliding it over to him.

He knocked it back quick and held it up for another.

"You, ah… Ok there Bobby?"

He knocked back the second then took a deep breath.

"Meg in yet?"

"No. You're officially early, she'll be here in a few minutes though. Why?"

Bobby took the card from his pocket and handed it to Sam.

"This guy came into O'Leary's place, asked a lot of questions about whether I'd seen her or not. Said he was a family friend worried for this little lost lamb…If you ask me, he didn't seem the type to be looking out for her so much as looking for her, if you know what I mean."

Sam turned the card over in his fingers.

"You saying we should warn Meg?"

"Of course I am you idjit! That little girl might be wild but I'd rather see her running than in the hands of some limey who looks like he'd snap someone's neck for fun. He's trouble. Not just for her, but to anyone associated with her."

"Cas."

"Cas. Me, you, Dean…. Shit, the way he talked, sounded like he'd been scoping the place for a while, which means he knows she works here."

"Who works here?"

They turned to see Meg walking in, shrugging her coat off.

The smile slipping from her face as she saw the way they looked when they turned to her.

* * *

"When I showed her the card… Shit Dean, I thought she was going to faint or something, she went white as a sheet, and then she ran."

"Ran?"

"I tried to stop her but she just said, _tell him I'm sorry_, then she pulled away and ran."

Dean drummed his fingers against the phone and took a deep breath. "Shit. We're nearly seven hours away Sam. Can you try and find her? Leave Bobby behind the bar? Fuck. No, just shut up, shut the place."

"Ok. Yeah. We can do that."

"If you find her… No, when, _when_ you find her, put her in your car and drive her up to Dads old cabin. I'll call you again as soon as I get reception."

"Right, ok…. Maybe you should sleep first…"

"I'm fine. Cas will want to go now. Call me when you have news."

He dropped the receiver back into its cradle and wondered how on earth he was going to tell Cas.

* * *

How could she have been so _stupid_.

Meg ran up the steps to her apartment and fumbled the keys into the lock.

Bursting in she went first to the toilet cistern and fished out the roll of bills she kept in a plastic bag there.

Not much, but enough money to get her on a bus and pay to stay in the kind of motels that still took cash and asked no questions.

Stuffing it in her pocket, she went through to the main room, throwing the clothes lying around back into the suitcase, she zipped it up.

She should have known better.

Meg had been here far too long. Usually she only stayed a month, six weeks tops, but she'd got sloppy, thought she was safe.

Hesitating, she looked around the little room sadly.

She wouldn't miss it.

It was dark and cold and still smelled like piss, but it represented a life.

Cas.

No.

Being strong was what she had to do now.

If she stayed, he'd kill her.

If he found her with Cas, he'd kill him too.

Better to run.

Better for everyone if she just disappeared.

Gathering her things she headed swiftly for the door, only to be stopped by someone standing in her way.

He smiled at her kindly.

"Hello whore."

An icy fist of fear twisted in her gut.

"Crowley." She whispered.

"In a rush? But we have so much to talk about."

She dropped the case and started to back up, her heart hammering in her chest, eye's wildly looking for an escape route.

Recklessly she tried to push past him, bringing her fist back to hit him, but he was quicker.

He hit her hard, his fist connecting with her jaw, sending her half spinning to the floor.

Crowley walked in quickly, closed the door behind him then drew his foot back, kicking her hard in the stomach, twice, driving the breath from her lungs.

She curled up, her knees twitching, mouth opening and closing as she tried to breath with a collapsed diaphragm, hands shakily shielding her head.

Crouching down next to her he tutted with disappointment.

"You've caused me, an awful lot of trouble you little skank. I should kill you right now."

He withdrew his gun and gestured to her head with it.

Meg sucked in a painful breath, gasped and whimpered as he pressed the barrel to her temple.

"I should kill you now… So simple a thing to do. Nice and clean. Job over. But…"

He put the gun away and hauled her to her feet by the hair.

"….. But you've fucked me about _so_ much, I think I'm entitled to a bit of fun first don't you?"

Meg grasped at his hands as she kicked herself up.

"You wanna stick it in me?" She rasped, spitting blood. "You sad, simple creature. Well I'll tell you something Crowley. Anything you stick in my mouth you're gonna lose."

He threw back his head and laughed.

"Don't flatter yourself dear. I'm sure you're full of nasty diseases. No sweetheart. I can find other ways to amuse myself with you."

He spun her round and slapped her wrists in cuffs, before dragging her into the hall.

She couldn't stop her self shaking.

All this time she'd spent running and he'd finally found her.

His reputation, the things Lucy had told her about him, about what he liked to do for fun….. For a split second she wondered if she should have just thrown herself through the window instead of let him take her.

The woman across from her opened her door and squinted out.

"Nothing to worry about love." He held up his badge and carried on.

Meg looked at her pleadingly, half turned in his grip to mouth _help_, hoping she realised something was wrong.

But she just turned away and closed the door.

* * *

"Don't you understand? Meg's gone!"

Cas tilted his head slightly and regarded Dean with solemn eyes.

When he'd burst back into the room and told him Cas had just nodded.

It was only as he had expected.

She wasn't his to keep old of.

She was gone.

"I can't blame her." He said quietly.

Dean gawped at him, anger building up in his chest, he grabbed hold of Cas and wrenched him fron the bed.

"Now you listen to me you stupid shit. This is not about you. You can't indulge in your little pity party right now. You wanna zone out and play rain man, well fine…. But you do it when we know Meg is safe, you understand?"

Cas glowered at Dean. "Why do you care."

"Because she's family now." He bellowed into his face, making him flinch. "If family's in trouble we don't just shrug and leave it to fate! Jesus! I don't understand you! I thought she was something to you?"

"She wasn't mine."

"Of course she wasn't yours." Dean scoffed, pushing Cas away roughly. "She doesn't belong to anyone but herself. You don't get to own her. This guy, Crowley, he scared her bad enough to run, what could sc…"

"What did you say?" Cas whispered, his eye's widening in alarm.

"What?"

"Crowley? You said this guy's name is Crowley?"

"Yeah… Didn't I mention that?"

Cas shook his head. "No. You didn't. Dean, we have to go. If this is who she told me about, Meg could be dead already."


	14. Chapter 14

A/N - tw for bloody violence.

* * *

**Chapter 14- "I've failed her."**

* * *

Sam and Bobby stood outside the warehouse in silence.

"You sure you got the right address?" Bobby frowned, looking up at three floors of abandoned brick and broken glass.

"It's the address I have. She must have given Dean a false one."

"Ya think!"

"I don't understand…."

"What Sam? What _exactly_ is it you don't understand? That the girl in trouble isn't giving out her real address willy nilly? Boy, for someone in school you're not that bright sometimes…"

He stomped back to the car muttering to himself, Sam jogging to catch up.

* * *

Loud music pulled her back to consciousness.

The heavy Base reverberating through her head.

Oh God her head.

Taking a deep breath she tried to remember where she was.

Meg did a running inventory of her body, flexing fingers and toes, clenching muscles, trying to see if anything was broken.

She was tied to a chair, limbs lashed to the arms and legs of it, her right eye was swollen half shut, her tongue found a split in her lip.

Shakily she spat on the floor, not surprised to see blood there.

"Rise and shine whore. Busy day ahead of us." His voice cut through the music, making her flinch.

Raising her head slowly, God it felt like it weighed a ton, she saw Crowley stood on the other side of the room, his back to her.

He turned and smiled, smoothing down the apron he'd pulled on over his suit.

"You like?" He asked, noticing her gaze. "The suit's Tom Ford. Wouldn't want to splatter it."

She narrowed her eyes and made her voice as steely as she could. "I'll do my best not to add to your dry cleaning woes."

"Good girl." He chuckled, pushing a small trolley towards her.

Meg shrank back against the chair when she saw what was laid out.

Knives, scalpels, pincers, hacksaws.

She noted them all and hated the fact that just the sight of steel was enough to make her whimper.

"You shouldn't have run you know. Imagine how much cleaner it would have been if you'd just let me shoot you like dear old Lucy. All this running and hiding and now, this.." He spread his hands wide over the tray and shook his head. "… such a mess." He ran his hand over the tools, a finger pressed to his lips in contemplation.

Experimentally she flexed against the ropes binding her to the chair.

She ground her wrists against them, felt the bones moving painfully against each other, but there was no give.

A calm began to wash over her, occasional spikes of panic mixed with acceptance.

_This must be what prey feels like, when jaws clamp down on its neck and there's no use in fighting._

He made his choice, plucking up a scalpel and turning it over in his hand lovingly.

"We'll start small, no point going to all this trouble and have a corpse on my hands in minutes is there."

Tears made tracks through the dust and dried blood on her face.

Not the tears of a scared girl though.

The tears of someone who thought they'd found home only to be snatched away from it.

* * *

"How long have you known about this Crowley guy?"

Dean was pushing the Impala hard, the revs high, his foot low, brow knit in concentration.

Cas had one hand on the dash as though he could steady them.

"A few weeks."

"And you didn't think to say anything to me?"

"She told me in confidence. Specifically asked me not to tell _anyone_."

"Damnit Cas…" Dean shook his head in annoyance. "There are some things you have to tell, and when that thing is about a person we know being up to her neck in bad drug deals and dirty cops then, yeah! You tell someone!"

Cas put his other hand on the dash and lowered his head between his arms, breathing heavily.

"Pull over." He rasped.

"What!"

"Pull…. Over…"

Dean stood on the break and jockeyed the car over to the side of the road, Cas tumbling out the door as soon as it stopped.

He stumbled off up the verge then fell to his hands and knees, retching, his gut in spasm, trying to throw up despite his stomach being empty.

Dean laid his hand on Cas's shoulder and crouched down.

"Ok. Come on, calm down…."

Cas shuddered uncontrollably. He hadn't felt like this in years.

* * *

_- Take deep breaths man._

_- I'm…. Trying…._

_- Sir is your friend alright?_

_- He's fine, thank you, just a panic attack. He'll be ok in a minute._

_- Anything I can help with?_

_- Glass of water maybe? Ok, Come on Cas. I got you, keep breathing._

_- Dean… I…._

_People staring, slowing down to watch this grown man knelt in the aisle, an upturned basket of groceries scattered about him._

_But Dean was there, crouched next to him, his hand solid on his shoulder, grounding him, talking him back, soothing the panicking animal in his head._

_- You're doing real good Cas. Come on. Think this through. Last week you didn't even get in the door, we had to leave. Now here you are, half way round. It's ok to take a rest buddy. Look, here's your water, take a sip. Small sips man…. That's it. _

_Miss, if you could maybe ask those people to leave us be for a moment?_

_No don't look at them Cas, look at me, drink your water and look at me._

* * *

"What if she's dead?"

"Don't say that."

Dean was sat, on the damp grassy verge, next to him.

Cas knew they had to move, had to get back in the car and hammer back home, but he couldn't.

"I've failed her."

"No."

"I shouldn't have left."

"Bullshit. How could you have known?"

"I should have known."

Dean pressed a chocolate bar into Cas's quivering hand. "Eat it. Your blood sugars all over the place I expect. When did you last eat? Not since I picked you up yesterday right?"

Emotionlessly, Cas took a bite and chewed.

Dawn was breaking.

They were already beyond the desert, back among the pines and mountains, the silent highway shrouded in a light mist that would struggle to burn off in the weak winter sun.

"I love her." He said simply.

"Yeah. I know."

"That doesn't sound stupid to you? That I spent two nights with someone and already know I love her?"

Dean shrugged. "Not like you only just met her. Besides. When you know you know, right?"

He nodded and took another bite.

"She's not as tough as she makes out. I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid, and its paralysing me."

"Cas. Tell me everything, even the stuff she asked you not to tell. We need to know what we're up against here."

So he did.

He started with finding her in the car park and taking her home, and finished with the day he left with Dean.

"You laid into two guys?"

Cas frowned at him. "Out of all I told you, _that'_s the bit that caught your attention?"

"Sorry, it's just, I've never seen you so much as raise your voice in anger before, let alone hit anyone."

He clapped Cas on the back and stood up, brushing his jeans down.

"So, we can't go to the police. That much we know for certain. Good job you got me and Sam, and Bobby if he's sober. Get in the car amigo, lets go find our girl."

* * *

_They lay face to face, noses almost touching._

_She smiled, watching him watching her, his fingers tracing patterns on her shoulder, tiny soft movement that made her skin prickle with delight._

_- Cas. Can we just stay here._

_- Forever?_

_- Why not._

_- What about food._

_- We don't need food._

_- If we don't eat we might be overcome by hunger and resort to cannibalism._

_She laughed softly and kissed his smiling mouth._

_- You'd eat me?_

_- Yes._

_- Lucky me._

_Something was wrong._

_It was wrong._

_His mouth changed._

_His eye's hardened._

_Everything was red._

_She blinked and coughed._

_No._

_- I want to stay here._

_Can't move._

_- Cas? I Can't move….._

"Ah, ah, ah! No passing out on me princess."

Meg gasped as Crowley threw water in her face, coughed and spluttered, shaking her head to rid herself of the stinging salt of blood in her eyes.

Pain hit her then.

The pain that had driven her under in the first place.

She cried out from deep in her chest as she glanced down and saw two of her fingers from her right hand on the floor by her feet.

Crowley took her face in his hand and she snapped her mouth shut, eyes wide, breathing hard through her nose as he looked down at her.

"You're tough. I like that. Almost respect it….. Not you of course, just the toughness."

He drew his hand back and drove a small hunting knife through her hand and into the wooden arm of the chair.

Her whole body snapped up against the ropes as she screamed in pain.

Crowley ran the pad of his thumb under her eyes and smiled.

"I'll just leave this here shall I? Rest up love. We'll continue this later."

He strode away, whistling happily, pausing to remove his apron and turn the music up before he left the room.

Her screams slowed to shuddery cries, the blade slicing inside her hand every time it moved, every time her body shook, every time she breathed.

Letting her head drop forwards, she fought against the urge to throw up on her shoes, as glassy waves of pain spread through her body.

Meg succumbed to tears of despair.

She hoped she'd die.

Hoped he'd come back and found her bled out.

Most of all though, she hoped that she would satisfy his bloodlust, and that he wouldn't then think to go after Cas.

He was the reason she was sat here.

The reason she'd stayed too long.

But she didn't regret it.

As she bit her lip hard enough to break the skin, to fight pain with pain, she knew she'd do it all over again.

She'd do it for him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15- "We'll bring her home.**

* * *

Deans phone buzzed and he tossed it to Cas to answer, his face set grim as he kept his eyes on the road, watchful for traffic cops.

"Sam."

"Cas? We went to the address we had for Meg, but it's wrong. You've been to her place right?"

"Yes. The building across from the Chinese market on Lambert Street, Apartment 4e…. What address did she give _you_?"

"Some warehouse out the other side of town. Ok, Bobby's with me, we're not far. Call you when we're there."

* * *

The door was ajar.

"Well that's never a good sign." Muttered Bobby.

Cautiously, Sam pushed it further and carefully slipped inside.

"Meg? You here?"

"For Gods sake Sam get out the way." Bobby pushed past and went to stand in the centre of the room.

They both looked down at the case. The zip was broken, clothes spilling onto the floor.

Bending down Bobby picked up a handful of cards.

"Fake ID's…. Good ones. This kid was serious!"

Sam frowned at him. "How do you know they're good ones."

He took a swig from his flask and ignored him. "Look…." Sam turned to where he was pointing.

A tiny dab of blood on the carpet.

"There's more." Bobby said quietly, pointing out four, five, six more spots. "Someone got hit, hard enough to knock them down…. And it was recently….."

Sam straightened up. "How do you even _know_ all this."

He shot and angry look at Sam and got to his feet, stuffing his flask back in his pocket. "Wasn't always a barely functioning alcoholic boy. Come on. We need to move."

As they left the apartment Sam noticed the door opposite was slightly open, a sour looking face peering out.

"Ma'am…."

She went to close it, but he grabbed at the side before she could. Seeing the fear in her eyes he tried his best to look as non threatening as possible, smiling apologetically.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm looking for a friend of mine, lives right over there."

"Gone."

Sam shot a worried look at Bobby. "Um, did you happen to see her leave?"

"Yup."

"Was she with anyone by chance?"

"Cop." Her eye's shone with indignation, a cruel grin twisted on her face, she seemed to enjoy the look of panic on Sam's face.

"Right, ok. Did… Ah… did he say where he was taking her?"

"Nope."

Sam and Bobby shared a helpless look.

"But that woman did."

"Woman?"

"The one out here couple a nights 'go. Talking in the hall with the cop. The whore wasn't home. … Do you have any _idea_ how many men have been in her apartment since she moved in?"

Sam frowned, trying not to show his anger. "That's really none of my business… Um…. So this woman?"

"Ya, she said somthin' about a rendering plant. That's all I heard." She narrowed her eyes at them. "But I expect you'll find her down at the sheriffs. They lock prostitutes up don't they? Little tramp."

Bobby stepped forwards. "Thank you for your time _ma'am_." Then shoved the door shut hard, making the woman on the other side stumble back and let loose a string of shrill obscenities that bounced off the walls as they headed for the exit.

"You know any rendering plants round here Bobby?"

They hit the stairs and jogged down them swiftly.

"Nope. Don't mean there ain't none though. Better call Dean."

* * *

"Shhh. Hold still now."

Meg screwed up her face as the woman started stitching.

It was a bizarre sensation, to watch your own fingers being sewn back on.

Her head was swimming.

It was hard to focus, to form a coherent thought in her head. She kept dozing off and imagining herself still wrapped up in bed, someone stroking her hair, whispering softly in her ear, then she'd jerk back to reality with a cry.

The knife was no longer sticking out of her hand, a dressing held on with a bandage was in its place.

Meg couldn't feel her fingers, the stumps were ice cold, from whatever the woman had injected into them. She wondered briefly how clean everything was.

The woman looked up at Meg and smiled lightly. "I can't give you any more morphine. You're going to have to try and bear it later on. Do you understand?"

"Who are you?" She slurred.

"Naomi."

Meg frowned, her brain trying to grasp the significance of the name.

_Cas._

"Naomi. From the brotherhood, Naomi?"

She just nodded and went back to stitching.

"You're lucky." She said breezily. "I did some nursing, you may not lose the fingers. Well… you might, I'm kind of hoping the nerves and blood vessels find their own way…. But he wanted them back on, so…."

"You sent Cas away." Meg moaned, her head lolling to one side before she could catch it. She sniffed and shook her head hard, trying to get rid of the fog.

Naomi glanced up, looking sternly at Meg. "Lucky for him I did." She laughed and went back to her work. "Can you imagine what Crowley would have done to poor little Castiel."

The wooziness was fading and the pain became more acute. She gritted her teeth and swallowed down her desire to cry out.

"With any luck, Castiel is back where he belongs. With his family. Not living in this Godless place and consorting with people like you."

Meg didn't think it was her imagination when she felt Naomi drive the needle home more carelessly than before.

"People like me." She gasped, feeling the thread pull against her skin. "What about you Naomi. How is it that you're cleaning up Crowleys mess…. FUCK!"

She slammed the back of her head against the chair as Naomi jabbed the needle in again.

"Crowley is a great man…. A great man." She shook her head anxiously as she said this. "Take care girl. Crowley could have had you in pieces by now. It's only because _He_ called him this afternoon that you're still alive, and that you get to keep your fingers, for the time being anyway."

"Who called him?"

"The boss."

Meg laughed, then grunted as the thread was pulled through again. "Crowley has a boss?"

"Everyone answers to someone dear." Naomi smiled.

"Even me." They both turned to see Crowley walking in, jacket slung over his shoulder.

He tried to look nonchalant but she could see there was something different in his posture.

An air of tempered ferocity.

Someone had spoiled his game.

Meg bit the inside of her cheeks to stop herself smiling.

Even here, tied to this chair, with her fingers being inexpertly sewn onto her ruined hand, she relished the thought of Crowley being pissed off.

"You finished yet?" He barked at Naomi.

She flinched and glanced at him like a frightened child.

"Nearly."

"Well hurry up, I want to move her."

Naomi bent to her work and Crowley glared at Meg, his jaw twitching with annoyance.

"Someone put you in a time out?" She drawled, letting that smile creep in.

He said nothing.

"Done." Naomi stood up quickly, gathering her things and standing aside as he pulled out a packing knife.

Meg held her breath while he cut her wrists and legs free and couldn't help yelping as he dragged her to stand before him.

For a moment he glared at her, the tiny thread of fear starting to creep through her again at the pent up rage that bloomed behind his eyes.

With a grunt he pushed her ahead of him into a bathroom, made no attempt to catch her as she stumbled, her legs numb with pins and needles, instead letting her fall to the floor with a sickening crunch.

She cried as she landed awkwardly on her shoulder trying to protect her hand.

Handling her roughly he cuffed her to one of the urinals then grabbed her by the hair so she was forced to half stand.

"Listen to me you little slut. The only reason you're still breathing is because he wants you alive. I put the fingers back on as a courtesy, but I am more than willing to send you to him Boxing Helena style if you so much as roll your eyes at me. Are we clear?"

She nodded and he let her drop.

He shut the door, leaving her sitting on cold tiles, her hand no longer numb, but burning like she was holding it in fire. She could almost imagine the flesh crisping from the inside out.

It made her dizzy to look at her fingers so she didn't.

_Come on._

_Focus._

Carefully she stood up as far as she could, the cuffs forcing her to stay half bent over.

If only she could work out a way to look out of the window.

She paused. Surprised at the thought.

Wasn't she ready to die?

Hadn't she wanted it?

No.

The look on his face just then had been enough to change her mind, let alone Naomi turning up.

Quietly she smiled to herself.

Fuck him.

She was going to get out of this.

One way or the other.

* * *

Dean hung up and threw the phone back onto the drivers seat, his other hand on the pump, filling up the Impala.

"Right, Sam and Bobby are only a few miles from Dads old cabin, we're gonna meet them there."

Cas ran his hands nervously through his hair.

"Shouldn't they check out this lead? What if she's at this rendering plant?"

"And what if _he's_ there? Crowley and ten other guys? I can't send them in there alone. We need a plan Cas. All we'll do is end up dead if we just burst in there and we're no use to Meg if we're corpses, right?"

"I suppose."

Dean smiled reassuringly as Cas. "Get in the car. Another hour and we'll be able to sort this mess out."

They got in and as Dean started up Cas said quietly.

"She's not dead."

"I know buddy."

"No. I mean, she's not. I can feel her. Earlier I felt hopeless, I felt her slipping away, but now….. She's fighting Dean."

He turned to him with watery eyes and grasped at his hand. "We have to find her. We have to find her soon."

Dean nodded grimly.

"We will. I promise. We'll bring her home."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 - "Do we have a plan?"**

* * *

The cabin was beyond rustic.

In fact, Dean said no one had used it properly since they were kids.

There were holes in the porch floor, two broken windows, the back door was off its hinges so there was a drift of leaves and dirt and some kind of animal crap in the kitchen.

"Why come?" Cas asked as Dean struggled to pull the door shut.

"Bobby insisted. Said he'd explain when they got here."

Cas paced up and down the small room, shooting anxious glances out the window, waiting for Sams car to pull up.

It was nearly twelve hours since they'd left the Enochian Compound. He sat heavily on a chair and put his head between his knees. In that time he'd found out his mother was dead, Elijah was dead, Naomi had tracked him down to lie to him and now Meg was gone. Probably being held against her will.

_Probably dead._

_No._

He took deep breaths, digging his finger nails into the palms of his hands, grounding himself with pain.

"Hey. Hey man. You ok."

"I'm fine."

He felt Deans hand on his shoulder.

"Look its ok. Just try to…"

"Calm down? What!" He jumped up, slapping Deans hand away. "You want me to take some deep breaths, find my warm happy place? She IS GONE! And we're sitting here like we have all the time in the world!"

Deans face was etched with hurt at the outburst.

"Cas I'm just trying to help…."

"I don't want your help." Cas snatched up his coat and stalked out of the cabin, leaving a confused Dean staring after him.

* * *

Crowley had cuffed her uninjured hand to the piping under the urinal.

She was still trying to decide if this was a good thing or not. Her other hand was all but useless. So long as she kept it still, it was a pain she could cope with, dull, throbbing, burning, but manageable. When she knocked it or even moved it, the pain flared, glassy, sharp. It doubled her over as her stomach rolled.

Carefully she tried to work the cuff up the inside of the piping.

If she could get it up, behind and over the top of the urinal, she'd be able to stand on it and see out the window.

At least then she'd know where she was.

Christ this would be easier with two hands.

The cuff might fit past the piping, but whether her hand would…..

_Cross that bridge when you come to it._

The tiles made her work echo around the room. The scraping of metal against metal. She threw quick, frequent glances at the door, but no one was coming.

Yet.

He knew about Cas.

This changed everything.

If she got out of this she couldn't just run again. He'd find Cas, do to him what he'd done to her. Try and get her new location out of him.

Only he wouldn't know.

No.

She'd have to find him, take him with her.

It was the only way.

The cuff screeched loudly against the pipe and she froze, watching the door carefully, ears straining, waiting to hear footsteps.

When none came she set back to her task, wiping the sweat from her brow on her shoulder. Gritting her teeth against the pain.

* * *

He walked half a mile into the woods and stopped.

What was he doing? How the hell was this helping Meg?

He felt the old fears rise up inside him and nearly succumbed, nearly let them wash over him, take his mind to that helpless place.

But he couldn't.

Not now.

With a bellow of rage he turned to the nearest half dead tree and put his fist through it.

As he pulled his hand out of the mess of rotten wood and bugs, there was a part of him that wished he'd been able to smash his fist against a strong tree, that he could have hit it till his fingers broke and his wrist snapped.

No.

* * *

_- The child is violent._

_- Violence is not tolerated._

_- Castiel. You will be punished. Punished until you can control your temper in a manner that honours God. _

_But he'd only hit back._

_Only hit back._

_For her._

_The older brother had hurt the girl, had knocked her to the floor and pushed up her skirts and no one… No one could see, except Castiel._

_- So young._

_- So young a child to be so violent._

_- The influence of the outer world still resides within him._

_Eleven was not so very young, it was old enough to know that the girl was trying to fight the older brother off, was pleading and crying._

_-NoBrotherNoBrotherNoPleaseNo- _

_He had seen her tear stained face and her eyes had begged him. Begged him to help her._

_So he had._

_He'd jumped on his back and hit him in the side of the head._

_- ..and his punishment?_

_- It should be fitting._

_- Allow the youth to beat him? _

_- … there are other things. The punishment should be …long lasting. _

_She didn't stand up for him._

_You don't._

_Not here._

_And when they lay his hands upon the block, he had locked eyes with her and she had not looked away._

_She had stayed with him while the wood was placed over his knuckles and the hammer was swung._

_He held his tongue for the first swing, and the second, but the third had broken him as surely as his knuckles._

_But she had stayed till the end, and after she had sought him out, looked on his bandaged hands and smiled sadly._

_Three weeks later the elders married her to her attacker, and Castiel pushed his rage once more to the depths of his being._

_There was no point._

_No hope._

* * *

He looked down at his scarred hands.

The knuckles calloused. Sometimes his fingers hurt when it was cold, like today. He figured that when he was old, the ghost of that day would sit with him constantly.

He clenched his shaking hands and brought them to his eyes, taking a deep breath and calming himself.

It wasn't in his nature to be so compliant, so quiet and forgiving, but even the wildest animal will protect itself with the cover of domesticity.

Not forever though.

One day the chain is loose, the handler careless, the cage door ajar and something calls.

Something soft but insistent, a wild song that can't be ignored.

Straightening himself, Cas stared down the path he had just walked up, looked towards the cabin.

He could see a car winding its way up the dirt road in the distance.

Sam.

A calmness washed over him and he headed back down the track.

* * *

She was stuck.

It was hard not to panic, but she bit down on her lip and made herself breath slowly.

One.

Two.

Three.

She exhaled and tried to make the cuff move.

It was nearly there, so close to the top of the urinal, but now the cuff was stuck, her wrist twisted unnaturally so she couldn't use it to get more leverage.

"Fuck."

Meg sat heavily on the floor, her cuffed hand raised in the air like she wanted to ask a question, thin lines of blood running down her arm where the cuff had rubbed her wrist.

She was going to have to use the other hand.

Shakily she got to her feet and cautiously pressed the heel of her hand against the cuff.

Grunting as the pain shot up her arm, she pushed at it, her useless fingers slapping against the porcelain, tears springing to her eyes.

"Come on you fucker…" She hissed to herself, pulling with the cuffed wrist, pushing with her ruined hand, shoulder against the urinal, trying to get some give, an extra fraction of space.

Suddenly she was through.

The cuff jerking upwards and she slipped, falling to the floor and automatically putting her hand out to save herself.

She didn't even scream.

The pain was beyond that.

Instead she vomited, making inhuman guttural chokes, her vision narrowing to a pinprick…

Oh God.

She couldn't pass out.

Not now.

Pulling herself up, she stood with her head lowered until the world stilled around her and the black tunnel around her eyes receded.

With her limbs trembling, she hooked one foot in the urinal and heaved herself up with her cuffed hand.

The window above was high and narrow. Even stood up there she could only just see.

Outside was what looked like miles of deserted lots, abandoned buildings, trees, wilderness after.

And one car.

Just one.

Stumbling down, she looked about her for something, anything sharp.

Finding nothing she kicked at the looser tiles near the floor until one of them finally gave, then she broke it.

Quickly, she scraped the cars registration into the wall, followed by her name, then ran a bloody finger over it, rubbing it into the scratches to make it stand out from the white tiles.

Exhausted, she sat down, in front of it so it wouldn't been seen when someone came in to get her.

Her whole body seemed to be throbbing, her head fuzzy.

It felt like she had flu.

She had tried.

If someone came looking here, if someone made it this far and she was gone, then at least there was something for them to go on.

Meanwhile, she'd just have to bide her time. Wait for an opportunity to present itself.

Broken or not, if she got the chance, she'd rip Crowleys heart right out of his chest with her bare hands.

* * *

Dean only glanced at Cas when he walked in.

Sam and Bobby were already there, waiting.

"I'm sorry." Cas said simply. "I needed a moment."

He didn't look at Dean.

Time enough to explain himself later.

"Well, we know where the rendering plant is." Sam pointed to a beat up map Bobby had laid out on the kitchen table. We're maybe forty minutes drive away."

"Do we have a plan?" Cas frowned at the map.

"Yeah. I do."

They all looked at Bobby as he walked across the room and pulled back a nasty looking rug.

"Did I ever tell you that me and your Daddy used to come up here when you were kids."

Kicking the rug to one side he crouched down and brushed away the years of dirt and dust to reveal a recessed hatch in the floor.

"No." Dean frowned.

"Well. We did. There's probably a lot about John you boys don't know about." He hooked his fingers in the slight gap and pulled the hatch open.

Inside was an arsenal.

Guns, sawn off shotguns, pistols, knives, machetes.

"Sonofabitch….. Is that a _grenade_!" Dean whispered.

Bobby shrugged. "Probably. I figure, we need everything we can get to go find Meg right? Doesn't hurt to be prepared?"

"Jesus. Were you guys like white supremacists or something?" Sam turned one of the pistols of in his hands.

"What? No! Idjit!"

Cas picked up a handgun, found the cartridge for it, and after a moments hesitation, hammered it home.

Bobby narrowed his eyes at him. "You handle a gun before Cas?"

"Not for a long time. But you don't forget."

They looked at him, he thought, with wariness, maybe even a glimmer of fear.

Good.

Fear was useful.

Fear could drive you to react quickly and without hesitation.

He didn't swallow it down anymore, he embraced it.

And instead of consuming him, it simply radiated from his pours.

He glowed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 - "Don't damage the goods love."**

* * *

Something was terribly wrong.

She was sprawled on the cold hard tiles of the bathroom, sweating despite the December chill that had caused the inside of the windows to frost up and her breath to steam before her eyes like smoke.

Her plan had been to sit in front of her message and hide it when they came for her, but she felt like her weight was pining her to the dirty floor.

She had to move.

At least her hand didn't hurt anymore.

_Move._

She rolled over, the cuffed arm pinned awkwardly above her. Hanging like she was reaching up for something. Someone.

_Move!_

Her ruined hand was still oozing blood. She slapped it on the tiles where she'd scratched out the registration, and wiped a bloody hand print over the top, then added another and another.

Funny.

She couldn't feel the tiles.

Sweat pattered onto the floor next to her but she shivered none the less.

_I tried._

_I tried._

* * *

The silence in the Impala was palpable.

Cas was sat in the back with Bobby, and although he looked like he was gazing out the window, he could still see the confused little glances Dean and Sam were giving each other.

He gripped the handgun lightly, like an extension of his arm.

Too tight and it became a wild animal you had to cling onto for dear life so it didn't bite you, too loose and it slipped from your grasp.

It scared him how easily he held it.

He'd swore never to pick up a gun again.

But then, he'd swore to never hit anyone either.

In for a penny in for a pound.

Some people were worth breaking oaths for.

* * *

_- Warriors of heaven. It's not enough to be the word of God, sometimes you have to be the sword of Michael._

_Elijah walked slowly past the boys, each one stood facing paper targets stuck to hay bales, an assortment of firearms in their hands. _

_- The day may come when the forces of Satan try to silence us. Try to take the knowledge of the pure language from us. And we will be ready. The center of your target is the heart of sin boys. Mark it well._

_He had shot the middle every time._

_It seemed natural for Castiel to hold his handgun lightly, to see his mark as the gun would, to shoot true._

_Elijah's hand had fallen heavily on his shoulder and Castiel had looked up into his face. A smile directed at him. The first in his whole short life._

_His heart swelled with pride, and in that second he wanted nothing more than to exact that small measure of kindness from this imposing man again._

_- The Sword of Michael. _

_Castiel stood a little taller as Elijah turned to the rest._

_- Again._

* * *

"You know something?" Dean grumbled from the front seat. "When this is all over, you and Bobby have some explaining to do."

He dropped it though.

No time for stories.

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me!"

She could hear Crowley's bellow echoing across the bathroom.

"I'm sorry." The pleading panic in Naomi's voice was shrill, it cut through the fog in Megs brain like a knife.

Someone pulling at her cuffed hand, a rattling of keys, arms lifting her from the floor.

Hot, angry breath in her ear as she was carried out.

"If she dies…. Fuck….. Do you have any idea what he'd do to me!"

"I'm sorry! I thought she'd be alright!"

Hurried footsteps across echoing concrete.

The cold hit her and she gasped, bright winter sun cutting through eyelids she was too weak to screw up.

A car door opened and she was pushed inside.

"What's wrong with her?"

"Septicaemia maybe? I don't know! I'm not a doctor!"

"How the fuck did she get that!"

"My instruments were clean."

The silence was frightening. Meg could almost feel the anger radiating from Crowley.

"Are you suggesting that _I_ did this?"

"No! I….."

"Get in there with her." Crowley hissed "Pump her full of antibiotics, give her chicken soup, mutter some hoodoo over her, I don't give a shit, so long as she doesn't die until we get there. Do you understand? Because if she dies, _you_ die."

Meg flickered her eyes open and saw the terrified, pinched face of Naomi looking down on her.

"What he meant to say." She whispered to her. "Was, if I die…. _He_ dies…." Meg shut her eyes again and let herself drift off.

Dying would be ok.

If it meant Crowley died too then she was just fine with that.

* * *

Bobby went in first, shotgun leveled, eyes watchful.

He motioned for the others to follow ,and Cas slipped in, his posture relaxed, gun held at his side, he walked into the middle of the large room and stopped as the others fanned out.

The chair.

It stood in the middle of the room. Out of place.

He crouched down and pressed his fingers to the floor.

Blood.

"Place is empty." Dean called walking back through. "What you find Cas?"

He held up his fingers.

"She was here."

"Hey. Guys?" Sams voice rang through the building. Somewhere a bird flapped onto a different rafter, its wings sending motes of dust falling on them. "You need to come and see this."

* * *

They stood looking down on the mess in grim silence.

"Shit man. This doesn't look good." Dean held his hand to his mouth and shook his head.

The handcuffs were still hanging from the pipes, vomit splattered across the floor…. and blood. On the wall, finger prints on the urinal, and a mess of bloody hand prints near the floor.

"That sick, limey bastard.." Bobby's voice shook with rage. "If he's hurt her…."

"I think it's pretty obvious he already has." Cut in Cas, crouching down to look, his fingers running across the palm prints.

A tiny smile twitched the corner of his mouth.

Such small hands.

He snatched his hand back and watched his own blood well from a tiny cut.

Frowning he fished in his pocket and found a tissue.

"Cas?" Dean was at his side.

"Look." He carefully wiped at the hand prints to reveal the scratches.

"Son of a bitch….." Dean grinned at Cas. "Clever girl." He whispered.

Sam leaned forwards. "It's a registration number….." He grabbed his phone and took a picture. "How are we going to use it though? Guys, this is great, but I don't think we have the time to find her like this."

"Sure we do." Bobby muttered. "Sam, you come with me."

As they left, Cas stood up straight, wiping his hands down the front of his jeans.

"You still with me buddy." Asked Dean hesitantly.

Cas nodded then looked at him sorrowfully. "I'm sorry. About earlier…"

"It's fine."

"No… It's not."

He looked away, embarrassed.

"You've done so much for me Dean, and I hurt your feelings, shouted at you…"

"Good."

"What?"

"Good! I'm glad you did. I'm glad to see you so confident that you can tell a friend to fuck off and leave you alone and know you can come back to that friend. I'm glad you don't feel like you have to swallow every negative emotion you have. Congratulations Cas. You're a human being!"

He smiled a little at Dean who beamed back like a proud brother.

Shaking his head, Cas took a deep breath. "I have no idea who I am, you know? I don't know what my personality is? What if I'm a real asshole?"

Dean punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Meh… If you turn out to be an asshole, I'll just have to beat it outta ya.."

He smiled fondly at Cas. "When this is over, you owe me a beer though. Come on. Lets go see what Pinky and the Brain are up to."

* * *

Somewhere a radio was playing.

Meg opened her eyes and carefully sat up.

She wasn't cuffed or tied up. She was lying on a bed, dressed in clean clothes, her hand bandaged, an IV running from the back of her good hand to a bag hooked on the bedpost.

Swallowing thickly she tried to work out where she was.

The room was modest but comfortable, not a motel room but someones house. It was warm, she hadn't been warm in two days.

Standing up she looked out of the window.

A sweeping drive disappeared into the trees, from this side of the window she guessed she was in someones vacation home. A cabin maybe.

"You should lie down. The IV won't work so well if you're stood like that."

Naomi walked through the door, a tray in her hands.

"Where's Crowley?"

"Downstairs with his guest."

Meg sat back down, her eyes glued to Naomi's every move.

"Why are you with him Naomi?"

She simply shrugged. "He was there when I needed someone."

"You see what he is though, right?"

Naomi didn't answer, just busied herself laying out food and meds on the bedside table.

"Seriously. He's a creep of the highest order Naomi. Did the Brotherhood make you like this? Why would anyone turn a love of God into love for a bastard like him."

"Shut up!" Naomi screeched. "You have no idea what its like to leave the compound and find your way in the world. No idea!"

Meg raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Well Cas managed to not turn into a complete dick. What's your excuse?"

Naomi drew her hand back to slap Meg, but Crowley was behind her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to face him.

She stood pressed against him, her face pale with high spots of colour on her cheeks, her mouth open and trembling.

"Don't damage the goods love." He said softly.

"I'm sorry. " She whispered, lowering her eyes finally.

He pushed her out the door then turned to Meg.

"Glad to see you're feeling better."

"Oh I'll just bet you are."

"Quite. You have a visitor, so I'll leave you two alone for a moment."

She frowned as Crowley left, letting the stranger in.

"Meg." He said sadly, holding out his arms to her.

Like a punch to the gut, the air was stolen from her lungs.

"No!"

He nodded and moved towards her, his hand reaching out to caress her face.

"My poor child." He crooned, taking her face in his hands.

She could only stare, blinking away the tears before finally finding her voice.

"Lucy… You're alive!"


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 - "You were dead."**

* * *

"I called in a favour."

Bobby stuffed his phone back in his pocket and faced them.

"That's a pretty big favour Bobby." Sam frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "You need to tell us how it is you can call up the county sheriffs office and ask for something like that."

Bobby sighed and sank into the chair.

"Your Dad didn't want you boys to know about any of this." He said quietly.

"Any of what?" Dean prompted.

With watery eyes, Bobby regarded them.

_God they're so young._

_Any younger that John and I were?_

Unscrewing his flask, he took a swig and cleared his throat.

"You remember how your Mom died?"

Cas saw the swift pained look that passed between the brothers. Dean was frowning, shifting from foot to foot agitatedly. "Yeah. House fire. So what?"

"It wasn't no accident boy. Your Mom was murdered." He glanced at them, an almost shamed look crossing his face. "She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She saw some big time mob boss getting his hands dirty. Mary was going to testify, was a really big deal, you know? But they got to her first. Fire bombed the house. No witness, no trial."

Sam ran his hands through his hair and laughed hollowly. "And no one did anything? The police?"

"You think your Dad didn't try? Boy, these guys have pets on the payroll all over the place, cops, attorneys, senators. Seems sometimes there's more dirt than not in the places where you're meant to be able to find justice.. After Mary died, your Dad was told, in no uncertain terms, that if he carried on making a noise then one day he was gonna come home and find his four year old's head in the oven and his baby nailed to the door. So yeah… he stopped."

Bobby took another angry pull at his flask, avoiding eye contact, his hands shaking a little.

Cas touched Dean gently on the shoulder.

He glanced behind him, looking at Cas's hand with confusion, hurt. Then he pulled away and seemed to shake himself.

"Ok. Well, that's a disturbing story Bobby, but what does that have to do with your cop connections and the arsenal back at Dads cabin?"

Bobby seemed to let the sarcasm slide. Instead he just sighed and continued.

"After all this, your Dad was approached by some people who said they helped those who had trouble. Mob trouble, dirty cop trouble, that kind of thing. They were too late to help John, but he decided that the only way he could get any peace from Marys ghost, her memory, was to help others. You know we were in the Marines together?"

"Vietnam." Sam said quietly.

"Yeah. Towards the end of it anyway. Didn't see huge action but it still got gnarly enough out there that plenty didn't come home. He called me up and asked me to go hunting. Left you two with a neighbour. While we're up in the mountain he starts talking about this modern day Underground Railway."

* * *

_They lay on the rocky outcrop, looking down on the clearing, waiting for deer._

_- He said his name was Rufus. You hear of him?_

_- Nope._

_- They knew all about Mary, about the threats I got after._

_- Might be a reason not to trust them John._

_- I don't know. _

_He rolled over onto his back and sighed loudly._

_- Bobby. A lot about this feels like a red flag. Like I should shut the door on it. Concentrate on raising the boys, running the bar…. But…._

_- What?_

_- When I close my eyes at night, she's there. She's on fire. She's screaming. And I can't do a goddamn thing about it._

_- John….._

_- Maybe if I do this, if I can help others… Maybe she'll be at peace. Maybe she'll let me sleep._

_- But the boys…._

_- Takes a village to raise a child right? _

_- You're no use to them dead._

_- I wasn't planning on dying anytime soon._

_- You can't go vigilante and expect to be safe! Jesus John, you're not thinking this through!_

_A deer wandered into the clearing and they both turned to it, clicking safeties off and looking through sights._

_- You take it._

_John put the safety back on and rolled onto his back again._

_The deer was a young male, small enough for them to carry back to the cabin, the shot was clean. Easy._

_- I'm not gonna let you do this John._

_- You don't get a choice._

_Bobby sighed and flicked his safety on._

_He had no stomach for killing today._

_- Then I'm in as well. I'm not letting you do this alone._

_- You'd do that? For me?_

_- No. For the boys. I'll make sure their Daddy's home safe every time._

_John smiled, tears balancing in the corners of his eyes. He slapped Bobby on the arm._

_- Thank you._

* * *

"We started small, you know. We'd drive some frightened kid to a safe house or baby sit a family for a few days, but over the years we did more. Finding people, hunting down their hunters. Hence the arsenal."

There was silence while they digested this information.

"I always thought Dad preferred hunting and drinking to us… you know?" Sam said softly. "I had no idea that…."

"Save it for your therapist Sammy." Snapped Dean.

Cas watched Sam flinch, but he shut up.

Bobbys phone buzzed and he grabbed it out of his pocket.

He moved to the other side of the room, fishing in his jacket for some paper and a pen.

"Dean…." Sam went to him but he held up his hand and walked away from them, opening the doors and stalking outside.

Sighing, Sam turned to Cas. "It was hard for him, you know? I was only a baby when she died so I don't remember her, but he was old enough….."

Cas didn't say anything, simply patted Sam on the back and followed Dean out.

* * *

"I'm not in the mood to talk."

"We don't have to."

Cas sat on the hood of the Impala, next to him, his face was etched with pain. Dean swallowed hard and looked away.

"I get it. Why your Dad did it."

"Yeah? Well I'm glad you do. 'cause I sure don't."

"You don't think it was a noble thing to do?"

Dean glared at him. "You think its noble for a man to leave his kids with neighbours and sitters for most of their childhood while he was running round saving everyone else's family?"

Cas said nothing.

He really didn't have a family life to use as bench mark for this sort of conversation. He could see that Dean was hurting and that made him feel bad, but he couldn't quite see why.

"You know what? When he was about he was nearly always drunk or sleeping. Sometimes I think he couldn't stand to be around us, me and Sammy, we reminded him of her."

"I suppose you would. You probably both have a lot of the same facial characteristics."

"Cas…. You're not making me feel better …"

"Sorry."

The door to the building opened and Sam poked his head out.

"We're ready."

* * *

Meg couldn't stop trembling.

He was smiling at her sadly, gently stroking her hair back from her face, running his fingers over the cuts and bruises on her skin.

"My poor child. Darling girl. What did he do to you."

It wasn't a question, he didn't seem to expect an answer, but then, he'd always done that, talked at her, not to her.

"You were dead." She whispered shakily as he took her ruined hand in his and frowned with concern.

"It would seem not."

"I saw him shoot you!"

Lucy nodded. "Yes. And yet, here I am."

He wrinkled his brow as a tear fell down her cheek, and deftly, he wiped it away.

"I don't understand."

"I know. But it doesn't matter. Not now." He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm here and _that's_ all that matters."

Kissing the top of her head Lucy breathed deeply. "You always were my favourite. I've missed you."

Something in her wanted to melt into his embrace, to bury her face in his chest and sob.

She'd mourned him.

Cried herself to sleep and dreamed of him falling, again and again.

But everything was different now.

When Cas had held her like this she'd felt safe, she'd felt the warmth radiating from his body and had wanted nothing more than to mould herself to him.

Lucy held her but she remained stiff limbed.

This was wrong.

He didn't make her feel secure, safe, loved.

She was being played.

"Lucy. Did you love me?"

He chuckled. "What a question."

"Well, did you?"

He pulled away from her and looked deep into her eyes, smiling almost paternally.

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Where have you been for the last three years?"

He stood up and walked over to the window, hands thrust deep in his pockets.

"You're not very grateful are you. If it wasn't for me you'd be dead now. Probably cut into tiny pieces and fed to one of Crowleys dogs."

The edge in his voice gave her the courage to carry on.

"You set me up."

Lucy sighed sadly.

"You set me up to take the fall for the deal…. You were working with Crowley the whole time…"

"So smart. You always were a clever girl."

_Not clever enough. _

She laughed, using it to hide the sob that welled deep I her chest.

"You know, I actually thought I loved you once."

He turned to face her then, his eyes hard, as flat and hard as dulled pennies.

"Child. They always do."

* * *

"So, my contact ran the registration through traffic cameras within a twenty miles radius of here and found our car." Bobby stabbed at the map with his finger. "It was on this highway through four cameras, then nothing on the fifth, which means it turned off up one of these tracks here."

There were four possible tracks, each winding a few miles until reaching dead ends.

"Its mostly second homes down there, a small hobby farm or two, but its our most solid lead."

"Ok, lets move." Dean grabbed the map and made his way back outside.

Bobby slapped Cas on the back.

"Your Meg got us this far. Time to keep our end up."

Cas nodded.

The squirming animal of worry that had lived in his chest for years was still. Instead he felt like a predator was waiting, calm, patient, for an opportunity to strike.

A veil seemed to fall over his eyes, his vision narrowing.

He only seemed to be able to focus on one thing.

Find Crowley.

And kill him.


	19. Chapter 19

**TW:** suggestion of sexual cohesion, grooming and prostitution.

* * *

**Chapter 19- "_Sweet girl."_**

* * *

Meg lay on her side, dry eyed, silent.

Naomi had come back to remove the IV, and she hadn't even had the will to say something nasty to her.

Her mind couldn't cope, so it shut her body down.

She felt heavy, lethargic, like she was lying at the bottom on the ocean, the weight of the water crushing her.

He was alive.

He had betrayed her.

_What did you expect?_

She didn't know. She'd spent a long time lying to herself about Lucy.

The first time she'd met him she was still at school.

One of those nice little Catholic girls schools you had to pay to attend.

Poor Mommy and Daddy had no idea.

He was outside the gates talking to her friend and when his eyes had met hers, her stomach had flipped.

It had been fear.

She could see that now, with the clarity of age, but at the time she had mistaken it for desire, and when he'd smiled and talked to her, she'd melted.

_Stupid girl._

She'd felt powerful, thought she had control over this man nearly twice her age, deluded herself that she was calling the shots.

* * *

_- You are the most delightful little creature. _

_Soft kisses to her mouth and throat, his hands running slowly up her thighs, pushing at her school skirt. - Leave it on._

_He smiled with his mouth, and she'd mistaken it for kindness, never noticing that the smile never reached his eyes. _

_- Don't tell. Not your friends, not your family. They'd never understand what we have precious. They'd twist it into something wicked when in fact it's pure and beautiful. You see that don't you?_

_- Yes._

_- They wouldn't realise that I'm protecting you. I'd never let anyone hurt you. You're my girl._

* * *

Stupid, stupid little fool.

How long before he was asking favours?

Tiny things at first.

Take this envelope into that café and hand it to the guy in the red beanie.

Post this package through that door on your way home.

So insidious that she didn't even notice when the asks became orders, and the favours became darker.

* * *

_- Richard thinks you're so pretty._

_- Do you think I'm pretty?_

_- Of course._

_Stroking her hair lovingly. - ….. But Richard, he wants to get to know you better. He's a very, very important friend of mine precious. It's vital that we make him happy. Do you understand?_

_- I'm not sure…._

_- You love me don't you?_

_- Yes._

_- You trust me?_

_- Yes._

_- Then you'll do this one little thing for me._

_She'd bit her lip and nodded._

_- That's my girl. That's my good girl. One more thing. When he asks, I want you to tell him you're fourteen._

_- What? Why?_

_- Because I've asked you to._

_And his eyes had been cold and his smile slipped into something more sinister, like his mask had been knocked askew and for a second she had seen his real face._

_- Ok. I will._

_- Sweet girl._

_He'd murmured to her, kissing her, caressing her, making her forget the enormity of what he'd asked of her, until such time as it became so common place that he'd no need to cajole and whisper softly in her ear, but only tell her where to go and who with._

* * *

… And she had.

Without question.

And it was only now, all these years later, that she realised what he'd done.

How he'd taken her, as a _child_, how he'd groomed her till she sparkled, then lent her out like a hired hack to keep his partners happy.

How many other girls had she seen him smile at, flatter, make them blush? But every time he'd told her she was his girl, his precious girl, she'd thought she was the only one.

He made her fit the mould he chose, and now she had no idea who she was anymore.

* * *

Cas was sat silently in the Impala.

This time he rode next to Dean. Sam had sat in the back, perhaps sensing that his brother wasn't in the mood for the troubled looks he'd not be able to help giving him.

Dean reached forwards and pushed a tape into the deck, the swell of Led Zeppelin filling the void their silence was leaving.

He liked this tape.

Dean played it a lot and whenever a certain track came on, Cas could transport himself back to a moment in time, one of the many small trips they had made in the beginning of their friendship. A trip to the store or one of Deans friends, then later, further away. The road trip to that crappy bar owners convention. The one where Dean had gone AWOL and Sam and Cas had found him twelve hours later asleep behind a bar, missing his pants, two women stumbling and giggling away as they got there.

Wait.

He didn't have time to reminisce.

Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes and bowed his head, as though in prayer.

But it wasn't God he was talking to.

* * *

_- Elijah wants you._

_Fifteen year old Castiel, roused from sleep by an older Brother, groggily dressing and stealing across the compound in the dead of night._

_Just the strangeness of the situation was enough to make his stomach clench in fear._

_But you didn't refuse an audience with Elijah._

_When he entered the room, Elijah took Castiels hands in his and examined them._

_- You've done well Castiel. You took your punishment for hitting the boy and you learned from it._

_- Thank you Brother Elijah._

_- Your skills are many Castiel, even though you have not had the advantage of being born into the Brotherhood…. But maybe that is a help rather than a hindrance in your case. _

_Castiel watched him carefully, not sure where this talk was going._

_- Perhaps it is time you were initiated._

_Elijah frowned and nodded at him._

_- Initiated into the Swords of Enochia. To become a protector of the pure language._

_- The sword of Michael._

_Castiel whispered this to himself and Elijah smiled fleetingly._

_- A Brother has left us Castiel. A Brother in the outer world is a danger to themselves….. And to us._

_He knew who Elijah was talking of. _

_Anna had run. She had climbed the fence after stealing her husbands clothes, and had fled into the desert. _

_They didn't talk about those who left._

_You merely noticed the empty spot at dinner or at prayers, and then, quietly, without fuss, that space was filled and the person not talked of again. _

_- You'll come with us. Tonight. We know where she is, and we mean to bring her home._

* * *

Breathing deeply, Cas kept his eyes shut. Let the music wash over him, the sway of the car under him, the hum of rubber on asphalt.

Anna.

* * *

_How brave he'd felt._

_This boy, clutching the handgun he'd been given._

_His heart swelled at the thought of the honour Elijah had bestowed on him, he was no longer the bastard child of a whore, he was a Sword of Enochia, or soon would be._

_When they'd pulled up at the motel, they had paused to pray._

_- We pray for Anna to return with us. We pray for the strength to met out her punishment. We pray for the steady hand and the steely heart needed to guide our Brothers home. _

_Castiel had prayed extra hard._

_He prayed for acceptance._

_Redemption._

_A place to belong._

_As Elijah motioned to the other two Brothers to open the door, he lay a heavy hand on Castiels shoulder and looked at him sternly._

_- Make us proud._

_Anna screamed as they forced the door. Jumped out of the narrow bed and gathered the sheets about her._

_- Will you return with us? _

_Elijah held out his hand and she shook her head._

_- I won't. I can't. Just let me go. Please. I never hurt anyone!_

_She was crying, her eyes huge and bright with fear._

_Castiel swallowed hard._

_- We will not force you to return with us. But neither can we let you live in the outer world._

_Anna looked from Elijah to Castiel, focusing on the boy, only a year or two younger than herself._

_- Please, please…._

_- Return with us._

_Its Elijah talking to her, but Castiel she fixes on._

_- He hurts me Brother….._

_- Return to your family._

_- He hurts me so bad…._

_Elijah sighed and pushed Castiel forwards._

_- Shoot her._

_They both looked at him in shock._

_- Brother please! This is not Gods way!_

_- Shoot her._

_He looks fearfully from one to the other, his body wracked with tremors. _

_Anna's sobbing as the other two Brothers take her arms and hold her up like a target._

_- The heart of sin boy. Mark it well._

_He hesitates, but only for a second._

_The noise of the gunshot reverberates around the room._

_Castiel dropped the gun, a tiny moan escaping his lips._

_Hands grasp at his shoulders, pull him outside and back into the car, the gun placed back in his grasp._

_- We never speak of this._

_Elijah said gravely as they swung out onto the road._

_- Never._

* * *

"Cas?"

Sam lent forwards in his seat and shook his shoulder lightly. "I think this is it."

Dean inched the car forwards quietly, so they were still unseen from the cabin at the end of the drive.

The car was there.

The one with the registration Meg had scratched into the wall.

"You think she's inside?" Muttered Bobby, peering through from the back seat.

Cas gritted his teeth as Dean reversed back down the track.

If she wasn't there, if she was dead…. It didn't matter.

He'd just turn a rescue into revenge.

Either way he was going inside that cabin and Crowley would not be coming out.

* * *

Naomi picked up the tray and frowned at it.

"You haven't eaten anything."

"Not hungry."

"Oh but you must eat! How about just a little?"

"How about you fucking off and leaving me alone." Growled Meg.

Naomi pursed her lips and snatched up the tray before stalking out.

As she locked the door behind her, Meg pulled out the knife she'd stolen from the tray.

No way she was killing anyone with this, but she might be able to jimmy the door or the window.

Maybe then she could find a bigger knife.

_This ends now._

_No more running. _


	20. Chapter 20

A/N- Home stretch guys! Thanks for staying with me this far xx

* * *

**Chapter 20 - "I've been better."**

* * *

"Can you see anyone?"

Bobby shook his head and handed the binoculars to Sam.

"Doesn't mean no ones there. Simple enough though. Two in the front, two round the back, cautious, slow. This ain't the movies, you understand?"

Dean turned towards Cas. "You and me'll take the front door…. You ready for this?" He just nodded.

Didn't trust himself to speak. Wasn't sure that English would be possible. The only words that seemed to want to creep past his lips were Enochian.

Cas swallowed hard, rested his fingers on the handgun, almost reverently and looked towards the seemingly innocent exterior of the cabin with something like fear blooming in his stomach.

No.

Not fear.

Anticipation.

* * *

Trying to force a lock with one hand would have been funny to watch, she thought as it slipped again, and she nearly stabbed herself in the face.

"Fuck!"

With a cry she threw the knife across the room and sat heavily on the floor, her back to the door.

Her hands were shaking and her head still felt like she was on a merry go round. No way she was going to be able climb out of the window without breaking her neck, it was the door or nothing, and right now it looked like nothing.

_Think._

This wasn't going to be easy. She was going to have to be smart.

There was zero chance of her being able to fight her way out of this, not with Crowley _and_ Lucy here.

Struggling to her feet she drew back her fist and hammered on the door.

"Naomi?"

She thought she heard the quiet shifting of someone down the hall.

Taking a deep breath, Meg knocked on the door again, quieter this time.

"Naomi? I need the bathroom….. Can you let me out?"

"I can't."

Her voice was close to the door and made Meg jump.

She was silent for a moment then called again. "I'm not kidding. I'm gonna be sick."

The silence from the other side of the door was thick, measured.

"I can't."

"Jesus Naomi! I'm gonna puke in here and you'll end up getting the blame for the mess and…. Oh God…."

She made gagging noises, moving back from the door as she heard the rattle of a key in the lock.

As Naomi burst in, Meg drew back her good hand and let fly from the shoulder, knocking her to the floor. Out cold.

"Huh. Guess it _was_ easy." She smiled down at the sprawled form at her feet.

Holding her bad hand against her chest, trying not to let it fall to a point that blood rushed painfully into it, she half dragged Naomi into the room, kicking her legs over the threshold so she could close the door.

She leant against it for a moment, gathering her breath, before cautiously making her way down the hall.

* * *

The kitchen was small, galley style with a door at either end.

Meg quietly looked around for something she could use as a weapon if needed.

A tiny insistent voice in the back of her head also pointed out that if killing to escape was now an option, she should probably consider her own mortality.

She rested he hand on the counter and took a long shuddery breath.

Would she take her own life?

Yes.

In a heartbeat.

She wouldn't go back to Crowleys chair…..

….. And she wouldn't go back with Lucy.

Biting hard on her lip, pushing down the pain she felt scratching at her every few seconds, she made a vow.

She was no longer that frightened little girl, no longer mistaking possession for love, she'd die first.

A few weeks with those boys, a couple of nights with Cas….

She couldn't go back after that.

Voices snapped her out of her thoughts.

Moving through the kitchen she listened carefully, her whole body tensed for flight if they came towards the door.

"I don't see why you need her alive now. Why the change in plan?"

Crowley.

She instinctively clenched her fist at the sound of his voice.

The clink of glass against glass, the smooth glug of liquid being decantered. "I thought this was a tying up loose ends job. Don't tell me I just spent over three years running all over this godforsaken country so you can get your old girlfriend back!"

The soft chuckle she knew so well slipped through the crack under the door and made her shiver.

"Don't be so obtuse. You're right, of course, things have changed." Lucys voice carried nothing but sympathetic sounding platitudes. "But you got your money. Doesn't really matter if the ending changes."

"Bullshit."

"Why so hostile?"

"You saw her with that fucking Mormon, or whatever the hell he is, and you changed the plan. that's not business love, _that's_ emotion."

She held her breath as the silence stretched.

"You're wrong." Lucy said finally.

"Am I?" Crowley laughed softly. "You've seen her hook up with plenty of bastards over the years, you trained the little whore well, I'll give you that. But this time? No. This time it was different."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

She could almost taste the nonchalance in his voice, but she wasn't fooled. Crowley wasn't reading him at all. If he was, he'd have realised it was time to shut up. Instead, he carried on, poking the bear with the stick.

You only get away with that for so long though.

"Your little Meg was about to settle down and you didn't like that one bit. She'd found some pretty boy to spend more than one night with and suddenly you wanted her again. Or if not _her_, then control over her. I'm surprised at you Luc, I really am. I didn't take you for a romantic."

"Crowley."

"Hm?"

"We're not alone."

_Shit._

Meg sprinted across the kitchen and back the way she'd come as she heard them moving.

Time to leave.

Fast.

* * *

Cas led the way up the stairs, Dean sidestepping his way behind him, gun raised, eyes watchful.

The cabin was bigger than it looked.

From the front it had seemed to be the size of a modest house, but there were offshoots, extensions, the ground fell away at the back of the buildings and the cabin had been designed around it, making it seem sprawling, difficult to navigate.

He'd heard quiet moaning though, from the room at the end of this hall.

Opening the door he frowned in confusion.

"Naomi?"

Dean glanced at him. "_This _is Naomi?"

Cas crouched down and rolled her onto her back.

Her lip was split. "Who did this to you?"

Bringing her hand to the side of her face she managed to focus on Cas and glared at him. "Your bitch…"

He grabbed her by the front of her shirt and pulled her face close to his, making her squeal in shock.

"Where is she?"

* * *

Footsteps running up the stairs.

She had a chance.

If they'd all gone upstairs then she could find a way out, make a run for it, hide in the woods.

Slowly, she crept through the rooms, her bare feet making no sound on the hardwood floors, straining her ears for any sound.

She could see the front door, half glazed, looking out onto the drive, and beyond that, the trees.

A board creaked and she turned around, her heart hammering, eyes wide, expecting someone to be behind her.

She clutched her bandaged hand close to her chest, like something precious, she felt the flair of pain as she did and relished it, it bringing her back from panic, paralysis.

Pain would do that, sharpen the mind.

Go.

As she turned to reach for the door, he was there.

Standing between her and freedom. Hands thrust in his pockets, shoulders slightly hunched, his eyes sad but his mouth turned up in that awful half smile.

She gasped despite herself and suddenly she was a kid again and he had the power to stop her with a look.

"Don't leave just yet Meg….."

* * *

"Hello boys."

Sam and Bobby stood hesitantly in front of Crowley, who was sat in a high backed, winged arm chair, one leg, carelessly hooked over the other, a glass of whiskey in his hand.

"To be honest, I didn't really expect the cavalry. Not for her, and especially not you two."

"Is he insulting us!" Bobby indicated towards Crowley.

Sam shrugged. "Ah.. Little bit. Where's Meg?"

He pulled a face and stood up to pour another drink, unfazed by the guns trained on him.

"Don't know. Don't care. I did my job and now the goods are in someone else's hands."

"Goods? What the hell did you do to her back at the plant!" Growled Bobby, levelling his shotgun at Crowleys head.

"Oh please….. That? You _do_ know where she came from right?" He swilled the whiskey around the base of the tumbler and inhaled, smiling slightly before knocking it back. "I doubt what I did back there was anywhere near the worst thing that's happened to that girl. Not by a long chalk."

The noise of footsteps made them all look towards the doorway just as Dean and Cas walked in, dragging Naomi with them.

A twitch of irritation pulled at Crowleys eyelid. "So there you are."

"Where has Lucy taken her." Cas said softly, pushing Naomi forwards.

"No idea."

"Well you better start forming one if you want this back." Barked Dean, pressing his gun to Naomis head.

She whimpered and stared at Crowley longingly. "Please…" She whispered.

"Oh for gods sake." Crowley rolled his eyes and before anyone could say anything he pulled out his gun and shot Naomi.

Dean jumped back in alarm as she slumped to the floor.

But Cas hadn't moved.

He stood, his gun levelled at Crowley, looking down the barrel of his.

"We seem to be at an impasse." The cop murmured.

"It would appear so."

"I'm sure we can all work this out like gentlemen. Come to some agreement."

"I don't think that's very likely."

Cas saw the twitch of Bobbys shotgun out the corner of his eye and then Crowley was on the floor, screaming.

"What?" Shrugged Bobby as they all turned to him. "He talks too much."

The rest hung back as Cas went over to Crowley, lay on the floor, blood pouring from his shattered hand.

He kicked the gun away and crouched down, cocking his head to one side as though examining a particularly disgusting bug.

"Why?"

"What?" Crowley spat, gritted his teeth against the pain.

"Look how you ended up. Was it worth it?"

His eyes flicked from Cas to the others, stood impassively behind him. "What the fuck are you on about?"

"All that killing. Did it make you happy in the end?" Cas gently placed his gun against Crowleys temple.

He laughed, his shoulders spasmed, feet slowly seeking purchase on the slippery floor.

"Sure. Why not. I'd do it again…. And if I did, I'd stick my knife so far up your girl that you'd cut your dick off getting a blow job."

Cas pulled the trigger.

He stayed crouched down, watching the blood pool away from the back of his head, saw the light fade from his eyes.

"Cas."

How many times had he seen that? That moment when everything stops, and a human being becomes nothing more than a sack of meat and blood.

"Cas!"

Dean crouched next to him, tried to pull his gaze away from Crowleys slack mouth. "Come on buddy. Lets go find Meg."

* * *

"I want you to call him."

He pressed the phone into her palm and squeezed the top of her arm painfully.

As it rang, she trembled in the dark.

Lucy breathing in her ear.

"Dean." She said as the call was answered. "Give me Cas."

She took a deep shaky breath as she heard the phone being passed over and at his "Hello?" it took all her will not to burst into tears.

"I'm downstairs. In the basement… Cas…."

But Lucy plucked the phone from her and ended the call.

"Good girl." He murmured, stroking her hair as though she was a pet to be calmed. "Lets get this foolishness finished shall we?"

* * *

"It's a trap!" Hissed Sam as Dean pushed his phone back in his pocket.

"Well of course it's a trap…. But you see, there's this rock and then there's this hard place, and then there's us… right in the goddamn middle of it." Bobby yelled.

"Ok… Ok, we do this smart and everyone gets home." Dean ran his hand down his face and frowned at the floor, as though disappointed that the smart plan he was looking for wasn't written on the wood.

Cas was already moving though, striding through the room and pushing through into the kitchen.

He saw the door, slightly ajar, darkness beyond and he walked through it without hesitation.

_Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…. _

Although he did fear evil.

But evil had Meg, and he wasn't leaving without her.

Stepping down into the dark he heard the others running after him, Dean shouting for him to wait… stop….

But the door behind him shut with a chilling finality, locking them on the other side. Useless to him.

Pausing, he took a deep breath.

"Meg?"

"Oh she's here." The voice drifted out of the darkness and then the world was filled with light as someone flipped a switch.

"Do you know what this is?" Lucy smiled at Cas, one hand holding a gun casually, the other had Meg by the wrist of her bandaged hand. "It's a panic room. It's lovely isn't it. Gives us a little privacy. Time to get to know each other."

Cas watched Lucy cautiously "Are you Ok." He asked Meg quietly, never taking his eyes from the smiling man.

"I've been better."

Lucy pulled on Megs wrist, making her gasp. "Oh you kids. Come on. We're all friends here right? Capable of working this little problem out."

"Let her go."

"No negotiation? Well, I thought you God squad were all forthright and such, but I thought there'd would be at least a little wiggle room."

Cas glared at him, fighting hard against the shakes that threatened to take over his body. He glanced at Meg, her lips thin and bloodless, her eyes too big, too bright, and anger swelled in him again.

"I'm sorry Castiel. I really am." Lucy sighed, his face lined with grief. "You see. She's mine. I own her. Have done since she was fifteen or so. isn't that right precious girl?"

Meg flinched as he stroked her cheek with the same hand he held the gun.

"She doesn't get to leave with you. I invested too much time and money in her." He smiled slyly. "To be honest, if you knew her how I know her, you probably wouldn't have put in all this effort. You want me to tell you all about her past Castiel?"

Meg moaned softly, her face slack with humiliation. She shook her head softly but Cas didn't look at her.

"You want to hear about how many guys paid me so they could have her? She was ruined before she was even seventeen." He chuckled and pulled her closer to him.

Cas could see blood seeping through the bandage.

"Are you trying to shame her? Trying to make her repulsive to me?" Cas shook his head in wonderment. "All I see is a girl you frightened into doing what you said. A girl who did what she had to do in order to survive. None of this is on her."

Lucy's face twisted and his raised his gun towards Cas.

"I don't have time for heroes boy. No room down here for knights in shining armour."

"Guess I'd better rescue myself then." Said Meg, smiling as Lucy turned to her in confusion, his expression changing to one of dumb surprise as she pulled the kitchen knife from the back of her jeans and plunged it into his ribs, jabbing up as she hit bone, burying it to the handle in his flesh.

He grabbed at her, his eyes wide with shock, and pulled her to the floor with him.

Cas shot forwards, pulling her up and away from him as he lay on his back, his hands trembling above the blade, looking at Meg with utter disbelief.

"Why…" He burbled, blood bubbling from his mouth, but she turned away from him, buried her face in Cas's shoulder.

"I don't want him to talk"

Cas raised his gun without hesitation and shot Lucy in the head, silencing him.

Above them was the sound of the others finally forcing the door, but Cas barely noticed them, he stood in the centre of the room, holding Meg.

"I got you." He whispered into her hair, inhaling deeply.

_I got you. _


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21- It's finished**

* * *

He walked her out in silence, not sure who was holding up who.

Bobby had taken over, Cas and Meg blocking everyone out, Sam and Dean shell shocked at the carnage.

"Dean. You take these kids to a motel, me and Sam'll sort this mess out."

Sam went pale. "We will?"

"Well, the homicide fairies ain't gonna do it! Go find a mop!"

Cas helped Meg into the back of the Impala then slipped in after, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her to him.

As Dean set off down the drive he glanced in the rear view at them.

"Meg. What's up with your hand? Should we go to hospital?"

"It's fine." She murmured.

He frowned at her reflection, saw the whiteness of her skin, the way she pressed her lips together, as though biting down on pain. "Well kiddo, you don't look fine, I think we should get you seen to."

"Tomorrow."

"Meg…"

"She said tomorrow Dean." Cas cut in and he pulled her a little closer to him.

Dean shut up.

He swallowed down his pride and put his eyes on the road.

Time enough to talk later.

* * *

Exhaustion hit her as soon as Dean left the room.

Cas had his back to her, taking off his coat, bright spots of blood had made constellations across the front. He'd have to burn it.

She glanced down at herself and grimaced.

"Think if I call Dean he'll pick me up some clothes? Don't think slaughterhouse was a look this season."

She pulled at her shirt and then sat wearily on the bed with a sigh.

It was wrong.

She'd thought they'd fall into each others arms and weep or laugh or fuck or _something_…. Not this.

Not this resignation, this acceptance , like the worlds biggest anti climax.

She wondered if this was how Benjamin Braddock and Elaine Robinson had felt at the end of The Graduate. The camera lingering on them as the bus pulls away, the smiles slipping from their faces as the weight of what they've done hits them. The tiny looks at each other that said. _Now what?_

He'd hardly said two words to her since they'd left the cabin.

She looked down at her hands resting in her lap. The bandaged one was filthy, caked in blood and grime.

Cas was still facing away, gazing out the window.

God, what was he thinking about?

Perhaps after the adrenaline rush had faded he was now considering what Lucy had said about her.

Heat crept up her body as she thought of it.

"Cas….. Cas, can you sit here a minute."

Turning from the window, his eyes met hers for a moment and they were empty, far away, then he blinked and smiled at her. "Of course."

They sat on the bed together, knees touching.

"Cas…. What Lucy said back there…"

"Don't."

"I just want you to know…"

"It's finished."

"Cas.."

He took her by the shoulders and looked sternly into her face.

"Meg. You have things you don't want me to know about. I get that. Believe it or not, I have things I don't want you to know about me too. I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

"This is it. Clean slate. The only things that matter are what happen from now on. Ok?"

She nodded, but felt doubt welling in her breast.

Cas smiled slightly and sighed.

"I'm going to take a shower. Then I can get us supplies while you clean up and rest."

As he stood to go she resisted the urge to grab at his hand.

Something made her feel like he wasn't really with her, he was still stuck in his head, which meant, to all intense and purpose, she was alone.

* * *

He stood in the shower, both hands pressed against the wall in front of him, letting the spray hit him and watching the grime wash away down the drain.

Outwardly he was stoic, calm, detached even, but inside there was an apocalypse worthy tornado of emotion rushing around his head, catching in his chest so that it was hard to breath.

She was safe.

He wanted nothing more than to lie next to her and examine every inch of her body.

To run his fingers over new scars and half healed wounds and remember them all, mark them on the map of her skin, commit them to memory so that he could always find her in the dark.

But he couldn't.

He was afraid.

So scared that he still had the capacity to kill when he'd promised never to hurt anyone ever again. Seeing Crowley there though, knowing what he'd done to Meg, and then Lucy, how he'd gripped her tight and she'd looked so trapped.

She wasn't of course, he could see that now.

Meg was stronger than any of them, but in that moment he had killed without hesitation.

He'd killed for her.

…..And he'd do it again.

He heard the door of the bathroom close, then felt a draft from the shower cubicle opening.

Meg stepped inside, ducking under his arm, she wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest.

She didn't say a word, just pressed herself close to him and held him tight.

Cas closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

_Without hesitation._

* * *

"Hey! You guys wanna see what Cas got me for Christmas?"

Meg held up her left hand and waved as them, the plastic false fingers now gone, replaced with two beautiful carved wooden ones.

"Well …. Ain't that something…" Dean laughed.

"Yeah, see.. " She pulled all her fingers down leaving the middle one standing. "… I can flip you off elegantly now."

The house was still in disarray, but together they'd managed to make the living room not only habitable, but festive.

Although Dean and Sam had owned the house for years, ever since their Dad died, they'd left it empty, but after the events at the cabin, they'd decided to move in.

… And Meg, Cas and Bobby had kind of moved in with them.

It had seemed natural.

They settled on the sofas, Bobby and Sam on one, Dean, Cas and Meg on the other, to watch a movie, let the beer and food settle in their stomachs.

Cas wasn't really paying attention to the TV. He was quietly smiling to himself, enjoying the glow of friends… his friends, his family, around him.

Meg was curled up next to him and he absently played with her hair, twining it around his fingers.

"Hey guys?" Sam cleared his throat nervously as they turned to look at him. "I know we haven't talked much about what happened, but, I've been thinking….. This under ground railway thing….. I think I might want in…"

Dean frowned and leant forwards. "Seriously?"

"Ah… Yeah. I've been talking to Bobby about it and, well, he's going back and I thought I….. would… too." He looked down at his hands then glanced uneasily back at Dean.

"Huh….." Dean sat back and took a pull on his beer. "Perhaps we should all join up…." He raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Kinda like the avengers."

Sam half smiled and chuckled. "I'm being serious Dean."

"So am I…. We got Meg here, our own Black Widow.."

"What? So I'm the token girl?"

"Hey, Black Widow was kick ass! Then we have Cas, who obviously has to be Hawkeye, what with his sharp shooter skills and all." He pointed at Bobby and grinned. "Hulk. Bobby defiantly has the potential to Hulk out."

"Hey!"

They were laughing. Cas liked that, the warm familiarity with which they teased each other.

"Sammy over here gets to be to be Captain America because of his all round good guy tendencies."

"Don't you think Cas should be Cap? He's the one with no ability to understand cultural references."

Cas frowned and Meg laughed and whispered in his ear. "We'll watch the movie later sweetie."

"What about you?" Asked Cas. "Who do you get to be?"

Dean puffed out his chest and winked. "Thor, of course."

Meg rolled her eyes and elbowed Cas. "If he starts making hammer euphemisms I'm going to bed."

Dean winked at Cas then looked pointedly at Meg. "Well, not many are able to handle Mjolnir, you know…. Because…. Penis…"

"Ok…. I'm going to bed." She held out her hand to Cas and raised an eyebrow. "Coming?"

Dean laughed and sank back into the sofa.. "Sorry." He said as Cas stood up, although he didn't sound it, not one bit.

* * *

"Do you think Sam's right? To join the Railroad?"

Meg looked over at Cas and shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. He seems set on doing it." She pulled her shirt over her head and looked at Cas, who was walking over to the window.

After a moment she joined him, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head on his back, she closed her eyes and listened to the steady sound of him breathing.

"You thinking about doing it too?" She said finally.

"I don't know."

"You'd be good at it."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Meg placed herself in front of him and, taking his face in her hands, kissed him deeply.

"I'd come with you." She smiled. "I'd be right there, by your side."

"It's dangerous."

"I know."

"What if you got hurt?"

"I could get hurt crossing the street…. Maybe it's better to get hurt for something important."

"I don't think I could stand to lose you."

She laughed and pecked his cheek. "You can't lose me! I'm not keys! I'll always be with you. Even when I'm not."

"I love you." He said simply

"I love you too." Meg kissed him again and then took his hands in hers. "Come to bed."

**The End**.

* * *

A/N - So here we are kids, at the end. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

I need to get back to writing my own stuff now for a while, who knows, I may even come back to this and play with it... There's lots of areas I could have expanded on and, lets face it, it's easy to get caught up in the pace of the story and leave things out.

Huge thanks to those that commented, I love reading your feedback and it really has helped me overcome some hurdles.

xxxxxxxxx


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